You think I'm happy?

"I dare not hope - but, when he looks at me,
Something half-shy, half-trusting, leaps therein
And shadows of dead passion and old sin
All dreadful haunting memories, take flight -
You think I'm happy? Well - Perhaps you're
right!" - F.S. Woodley

For me. If I am going to be completely honest...there is a LOT of old stuff. '...shadows of dead passion and old sin...' haunted me all the time. Past tense here because I am working through all of that...daily.

But inspite of all that...I am happy. Because "when he looks as me' all of the messes "take flight".

This month I am thankful for two things.

1) Healing
2) Love

Goal Update

Clearly yesterday was a crazy day at work...which turned into a crazy work night. which then got me side tracked and I didn't blog last night. SO...within the next two days I am going to try and squeeze in an extra blog so I can make up for it.

Getting to the home stretch of all of my goals for October.

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Besides the little miscounting incident that happened last week I am really proud of this goal and how it turned out.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - I get paid tomorrow night. so this weekend I am going to sign up for the November beginner series at the yoga sport near my house. The october beginner series already started and didn't match up with my October budget, but I am able to sign up for the November beginner series with my October paycheck. Very excited about this.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - This is still the same. Before most places allow you to volunteer they require you to attend an orientation. I am glad I was able to sign up.

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Samuel is active...very very very active. Makes this a fun goal!

Now it is time to start thinking about my November goals. Nothing crazy... just want to be able to check some items off the list. Be on the look out for those.

True character

"I pray our true character as men overshadow the hardships themselves. I am thankful to have you in the good and the bad."

I read this quote quite often. I keep it handy in a place that reminds me to read it.

Do you ever do that? Keep things that someone says to you? I don't keep everything...in all honesty I am not a 'keeper'. But I do keep anything that speaks to my heart in a way that it never has before. Like what people said here. Or what jamie said here.

Back to the quote at the top... I tear up almost every time I read it. Not because it makes me sad but because of its truth. Our true character will always always always 'overshadow the hardships themselves' as long as we remain vulnerable. As long as we continue to speak truth. As long as we continue to be open. And as long as we continue to dive deeper.

Moving beyond the box

I described a box once. This little box that for years I trapped my feelings inside of. I sort of described it here. Where I would only allow myself to get so sad..or so happy.

It is interesting to see my feelings move way beyond the box. It is both exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because it feels great. Laughing more is amazing. Crying more is freeing. Scary because I am now vulnerable...and that is just the nature of the beast when it comes to being vulnerable.

but you know what?

Being vulnerable with the people you love and love you in return... that moment when it happens. If you have experienced it you know what I am talking about. but that moment where your vulnerability brings you so much closer to the person you love. It is tender. It is organic. it is deep.

Being hard on myself

So I miss counted... I thought I completed my 30 post goal...but I didn't. only 25. yikes. Must have counted a screen of the blogs twice.

So yesterday you didn't see a blog because a) I thought my goal was up and b) I didn't write one.

but I am not going to be hard on myself. I have done that for way too long. I am just going to pick up where I left off and complete the goal. no big deal. I am getting better at that really. Better at not beating myself up and being hard on myself.

For so long...and probably as long as I can remember... I felt like I had to be the strong one. By 'strong', I don't mean tough or mean. I mean solid...constant...steady. If I faltered even the slightest bit on anything I would literally beat myself up. wow...thinking back...this in and of itself is one of the biggest reasons I suffered from depression.

Over the past several months I have learned that it is okay for me not to be strong. It is okay to show my weaknesses. That is a huge aspect of being vulnerable. Being open. Being honest.

Blogging

I have enjoyed the blogging goal I set for myself. I needed a jump start to blogging more often.

Once this goal has ended I will probably not blog every day. But I want this to be a constant. A place where I can share my story. A place to reflect on what is going on in my life. A place where people can read and know that they are not the only ones with truths they would like to share and in turn be set free.

Have several more days until my goal has ended...but when that goal is over I am not going anywhere.

Change

Most people...and I am totally assuming here...do not like change. It disrupts the norm and makes people uncomfortable because it takes them out of their comfort zone. It removes their constant.

I on the other hand...Love change. It challenges. It strengthens. It evolves. It grows. It heals. It opens doors. It reveals. It humbles.

I am not going to lie and say that change doesn't make me nervous. Always has and could only guess that it always will. But I have always seen the benefit in change.

Life is constantly changing. We are changing. I am changing.

What I know for sure

There are a lot of things I know for sure.

- I know I am a good dad. Even though I worry about this a lot.
- I know I am good at my job.
- I know that all my years of ex-gay counseling caused huge issues in my life.
- I know that going to counseling has enabled me to work through issues I have never worked through before. It is exciting to actually see the walls I have built up over the years crumble down around me.
- I know I am gay and will continue to learn about what it means to be a gay man.
- I know that being gay is not dirty or lustful.
- I know that when you 'know more you love more'.
- I know that there are people in this world who love me because of the above.
- I know I have to trust my intuition and to always follow that.
- I know that the actions I have done in my past have caused harm to people I love.
- I know that it is important to feel and when feelings dissapear help is needed.
- I know that foregiveness is possible.
- I know to be vulnerable I have to be open and honest.
- I know that life is not always easy.
- I know that I have a story to tell and that there are people who need to hear it.
- I know that I will be okay.

Lack of words

so.. I was waiting for this day to come.

the day where I am not sure what to write...I was waiting for it. anticipating its arrival. to be honest... I figured it would come sooner than this.

When I set this goal to blog for 30 days I never wanted anything to be forced, so I am not going to start now. That isn't authentic.

So I leave you with my favorite quote by my favorite author.

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - C.S. Lewis

It means a lot.

'distinct among others'

Over the past several months different words have had an impact on me.

I have touched on some of these recently...
Quality

Deeper

Vulnerable


One I want to write about but haven't had the chance to...
Authentic

One I want to talk about today...
Special


My favorite definition is

Distinct among others of a kind

I have been thinking about this word a lot lately and it hits on a couple of areas.

1) Making sure my needs are met so that I feel special. This is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc.) The people I have in my life.. are they making me feel special...important...are they making me feel 'distinct among others'. I know this looks a little different depending on the type of relationship, but that is the key phrase here. Do their words and actions have a positive influence on my life. But at the same time...when it doesn't happen...how can I communicate this in a healthy way, because they are in my life for a reason and I want to always remain open.

2) Making sure that the people I love and care about feel special and that I am able to meet their needs in whatever capacity that looks like. Again...this is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc). Do my actions and the words that come out of my mouth make them feel special. I want this to always be in the forefront of my mind...to always make them feel 'distinct among others'.

I want this to become 2nd nature.

Goal Update

Since it is the middle of the month I wanted to give a goal update.

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Still going strong. 17 days and counting...

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - Ok... this one has changed a bit again. Originally I decided yoga...then I went to a personal trainer...but I am going back to yoga again. I will sign up for a beginners series before the month is over.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - I signed up to do a new volunteer orientation the first thursday in November at the resource center of dallas. See what they need help with.. still looking for others as well.

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Status - I really like this goal a lot. It has been fun thinking of different stuff to do with samuel. even if it is just going outside and bouncing a basketball back and fourth.

The truth will set you free

After reading some of my blog posts I wanted to make sure I made something pretty clear...because after reading some of them I can see how some people could misinterpret.

It is true that I went through ex-gay therapy for years not to be gay. I tried really really hard not to be. But I am no longer struggling with the issue of my sexuality. When I decided to get a divorce..at the same time I decided to come out to everyone I knew as well.

The reason I am blogging and going to counseling is not because I am conflicted on being a gay man...that isn't the case at all. I am blogging and going to counseling to work on all the damage that was caused in my life by all of the unhealthy ex-gay counseling.

A lot of damage was done over the years that resulted in walls being built, feelings being turned off and me not being able to live like the person I was created to be.

This blog. The counseling I am going through. Being open. Being honest. Not hiding. Letting go of secrets. Letting go of the shame. Refusing to be scared.

That is living my truth.

"I have never known an instance where anybody was able to let go of a secret and shame...and not be better off with their lives." - Oprah

Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 3

For so many years I hid. From something. Hid from being gay, hid from hurt, hid from my feelings, hid from hurting others, hid from life...

Not really a life worth living is it? When I stop to think about it I realize how sad that is to me.

For so many years I was scared. Scared of what people thought of me for who I was. Scared that I would be perceived as weak. Scared to feel because it may cause me to break down.

One of the key factors...I think anyway...to being vulnerable, is Living my Truth. No more hiding. No more being scared. Just simply...living as the person I was created to be...no matter what.

I am committed to living great truths. To not hiding. To being me.

"you know more..you love more"

So much

I told samuel the other day that I love him so much. He looked at me and asked in his little smirk..."daddy, what does 'so much' mean?"

I told him that so much means that I not only love him with all of my heart, but all the way deep into the bottom. He looked and smiled and started watching The Avengers again.

I believe it is important to tell and share your feelings with the people you love. I think I have always known this and in most cases in my past have voiced it, but actions do speak so much louder than words.

The people I care deeply (there is that word again) for...I want them to know how special they are to me. I want them to know how important they are to me. I want them to know the 'so much'.

Coming Out: Take 2

Yeah... you read the title right. I actually came out twice... the first time happened like this.

The 2nd time... happened several years later.

It took me awhile to come out. I grew up in a southern baptist home. I went to a southern baptist church. I went to a southern baptist college. I was married in a southern baptist church. Are you getting the picture?

Basically I was raised that this was not natural/normal...that it could be fixed, that if I prayed hard enough that it would go away. As the years went on and as I tried to 'fix' the 'issue' the joy from my life gradually faded away...and walls started to be built.

So I was at a cross point... coming out would require a lot of things to happen.

- Get a divorce.
- Move out of my families home.
- Only have my son half the time.
- Friends moving on
- Leave a church family
- Impacting my parents/siblings

This all came to a head the later part of 2007. After many years of ex-gay therapy, many years of denying who I was, many years of being in a unhealthy marriage I had to say something. I had to come out...for myself.

It happened on the floor in my home in forney. I was depressed/sad/angry...my wife at the time repeatedly started to ask me what was wrong. With tears in my eyes...and not knowing what outcome or impact this would have on my life I said the words "I am gay".

What happened the rest of that evening is sort of a blur now, but what I voiced that night was at that point...the truest thing I have ever allowed myself to do.

Since then I have had the ability to work on myself...overcoming the walls that have been built. Feeling joy like I have never felt before. Feeling a love so deep that it is beyond measure.

Feels good to feel again.

Ex Ex Gay

For years I went through ex-gay therapy. From 2002 to right at the end of 2007. For those of you who do not know what this is...in short...it is a type of therapy where they try to make you straight. During those years I did many things to try to make this work...by 'this' I mean..make the gay go away.

Counselors
Group Therapy
Group Discussions
Books..many many books
Celebrate recovery
Every Man's Battle Conference

Wow..seems like the list is never ending. There are many thoughts and feelings going on in my head right now about this type of therapy. It really did take a traumatic toll on my life.

When I think back of all the years I went through to try to fix a problem that wasn't even a problem in the first place makes me very sad...very angry.

I was talking to my counselor yesterday about how I would like to be an advocate for people that have suffered this same path. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to the opportunity when it arises.

Thankful

Today I am thankful.

For healing. For Truth. For being couragous. For Samuel. For J. For overcoming. For Love. For healthy counseling. For my best friends. For Openness. For Laughter. For smiles. For the ability to cry. For Feelings. For honesty.

I cried this evening. Not because I am sad, but because I am overcoming and it is empowering.

You see... I thought my life was stuck. That there was no way I would ever be able to work through the stuff I have been through...more or less overcome them.

Today. I am thankful.

Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 2

As I blog more I want to dive a little deeper into some of the items I reference.

In the first blog on being vulnerable...one of the things I have put into place to make this happen is acknowledging my feelings.

So what does it mean to actually acknowledge my feelings? I think there are multiple levels of this.

A) Exactly what is says. If I am sad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am happy...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am mad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. Pretty simple...right?

B) Actually feeling these feelings. This is where it can get a bit tougher. For example..in the past when I felt sad..I would let myself be sad...but I built this wall to only allow myself to get so sad. Or mad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. Or even in the other direction...happy, joyous, etc. It is like I lived in this constant state of even kill.

Just like I referenced back in June...

Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

What kind of life is that? To not allow myself to feel deeply. Doesn't allow me that deep connection with people and in return...doesn't allow others to have that deep connection with me.

The process is not the easiest of efforts. In most cases I process through them just fine, but in the cases where I feel a little overwhelmed or anxious I go back to the steps I have in place to deal with it.

The results are good...Over the past several months I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, I have laughed more than I have laughed in years and the smile part...well I am pretty sure j. gives me a funny every time he sees the silly grin that is constantly planted on my face :).

Just Breathe.

I was thinking this morning as I was bringing samuel to his soccer game of all of the self soothing things I am able to do...for a number of reasons.

When I get overwelmed...one of the things I sometimes forget to do is breathe. To just simply breathe. Knowing now...that focusing on this one thing when I get anxious or nervous can make a HUGE impact in how I can handle any situation.

I realized something in the car this morning that I thought was pretty funny and immediatly jotted it down because I wanted to blog about it... That when I get anxious and I remind myself to breath...that ever.single.time I do it... a part of the movie Ever After with drew barrymore appears in my mind.

Check it out here...

Ever After: Trailer

If you haven't seen the movie or if you do not want to watch the entire thing, just skip to around 1:32. She is walking into the ball and reminds herself to 'breathe, just breathe'.

I am not kidding when I say that everytime that I remind myself to breathe that this part of the movie comes to mind.

Made me laugh out loud a bit when I actually thought about it. but hey..whatever works...right?

Thoughts on being vulnerable.

Brainstorming here...so please don't mind the sparatic post. Afterall...these are the thoughts coming out of my head. :)

Vulnerable. Being Vulnerable. Scary to think about, but SO important to overcome this fear for the sake of any meaningful relationship.

For years I didn't allow this to happen. Not even an ounce of vulnerability would show through my skin. When I think back...this started when I went through that bout of depression back in college. It was a rough time back then and it scared me to death and I was determined to never let myself get to that state again.

but you know what? it lead to some crappy stuff. not feeling, no emotions, no deep relationships...you get the picture?

So over the past several months I have been working on this fear of mine. This fear of being vulnerable. I know where it came from, so that is a start. Past experiences, past issues, bad counseling, not living my truth.

things I have put into play to make this happen. things that are allowing me to be more vulnerable.

Opening up - in all aspects of my life. have nothing to hide. "you know more you love more"

Living my Truth - Exactly what it means. No hiding. Living as the person I was created to be.

Acknowledging my feelings - always. always. always.

Letting go of the fear - pushing myself to let it go.

Trusting - in people. that they will love me more because of my truth.

Quantity vs. Quality - misery loves company...right? 'cleaning house' and focusing on the quality of people. Being around people who encourage me. see the best in me. who love me.

Goal Update!

Periodically I want to jot down the status of my goals for the month. Keep it in the forefront of my mind (not that it isn't already, but you know what I mean).

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Still going strong. Feels good to get my thoughts out and like I have said before...a way for me to reflect. I like it.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - This one has changed a bit... instead of yoga I have signed up with a personal trainer. Wish me luck... I think I just made getting in shape a little more painful.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - Still haven't volunteered anywhere, but I am looking not just to volunteer once. I am looking to make this a commitment going forward. I want to find a place where my skills can be utilized. More to come on this...

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Status - So far so good. Not that we haven't done active stuff in the past. To be honest... I am a pretty active dad. Always on the go..to the park, museum, zoo, putt putt, etc. But I want it to be a little more than that. I want to do at least one physically active thing with samuel every time I have him. I think it is important for him and it is probably even more important for me. Yesterday instead of driving to whole foods samuel and I justed walked. Well..I walked...samuel was on his scooter. :)

I have also decided that this will be something I do at the beginning of every month. Set a few goals for myself. Doesn't have to be anything crazy or difficult. Just some things that will impact the quality of my life.

Deeper

This word 'Deeper' that I have been using a lot lately...here, here, here, and here.

Using it in coversations with people, in writings on my blog, noticing it in my reading...

It means many things. The word Deep, but this is the one I think fits me best.

To a great depth; with depth; far down; profoundly; deeply.

So what does it mean really... more importantly...what does it mean when these things actually happen. To me it means there is a strong hold; a connection that is solid; it means Truth; Openness; vulnerability; Strength, it means support.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper love I am feeling. That not only is the love all encompassing, but goes to great depths...involves great truths, openness and vulnerability.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper relationships with people. That not only is the relationship meaningful, but it is profound. It is needed. It is quality.

Quality vs. Quantity

I have been focusing on this the past couple of days. Quality vs. Quantity. What does that even mean really?

So you have the quantity part...
More Friends
More Money
More Time
you get the picture...

Seems like for years these are the things I have been talking about...have been wanting. If I could just have more friends that lived closer. If I could just have a little more money to do the things I want. If I could just have a little more time so the weekends could be longer. More, more, more.

The quantity of it all.

It is so exhausting to think about...to write about. I can't do that anymore. Wears me out just thinking about it.

I have started focusing on the quality. The close friends I do have (in dallas and away)...cultivate those and make them deeper (side note..I have been using the word 'deeper' a lot lately...i like it). The money I do have...use it wisely and for necessity. I have plenty to cover my needs. The time I do have...make it count to the very last second (whether I am spending time focusing on me or spending time with others).

Since I came out several years ago I have been so focused on quantity that I have ignored the quality. Looking forward to focusing on the quality so much more.

"because my feelings say so"

My counselor wanted me to read this book called Common Sons by Ronald Donaghe.

In short, it is about these two boys who fall in love and what they have to go through in facing that feeling. It is completely fictional. Completed romantic. And not the typical book that I would usually read.

but... I like it. a lot. None of the characters are exactly like me, but I do see myself in a lot of their characteristics. For example; Tom is raised in church and working through the struggles of faith and how it ties into being gay. For years I struggled with that...for it to make sense. It isn't a struggle per say...for me anymore...because I do not think they are mutually exclusive.

but anyway... there is a quote in the book that I read this morning.. that I had to read again.

It wasn't lust after all. How could it be? Joel loves me, he thought, and because Joel had promised that Tom could trust him, and because he accepted the truth of that promise without question he felt, just then, as if a wall inside of him had been razed. I am a homosexual, because my feelings say so. And, he thought happily, it isn't lust. That was a dirty little lie he had allowed other peole to put into his head, he concluded. It was love between them.

For YEARS I had to live with people telling me that dirty little lie. That the thoughts I have are simply lust. Counselors, Friends, Family, books, groups. they all said the same thing.

So I may be getting kind of deep here...and please excuse the possible randomness of this entry...

It isn't lust. It isn't just a random urge or craving that happens to be there from time to time.

For years people told me..in some form or fashion that this was simply just lust. So that is how I interpreted it. Like what I talked about here... that it was something I had to hide. Or keep secret. that it was shady...or seedy.

The feelings I have as a homosexual. They are not lust. They are feelings of love that encompass my entire heart...but more importantly...go deep within it.

No Secrets

The title really does say it all.

What does a secret even mean?

To me it means...to hide. to cover up. to withhold.

I have found out first hand how damaging this can be in all relationships; partners, friends, family, etc. It weakens the bond so much that eventually it will cause destruction. Trust is damaged. Communication turns to silence. Security is squashed. Friendships can't even be born.

There are a lot of things over the past few months that I have put into place to help with my relationships. One of them being..no secrets. Being truly open and honest about everything. Can be as little as how my day at work went...to as big as the struggles going on inside of my head.

I am not saying this is an easy thing to do. A fear that you will still be loved. A fear that you will still be respected. A fear of someone getting mad. A fear of someone running away. In some cases all of these things may happen. It is a fact of life really...

I think the fears are normal, but I have to push through that to have the meaningful deep relationships I have always wanted/needed.

After all...You know more you love more...right?

Dealing with it...

Ever since I first dealt with being nervous/anxious/depressed back in college I realized that all of it goes directly to my stomach.

That was what? 12 years ago... Nothing has changed really..in the fact that my stomach still will hurt, or that I will have to go to the bathroom more (sorry..but it is the truth), or that I can't eat, or that when I do want to eat nothing sounds good... Nope. that hasn't changed a bit.

What has changed is how I deal with this when it happens. And believe me.. it is still a work in progress and will probably always be a work in progress.

I have learned:
- That if I take really deep breaths when I feel anxious my stomach doesn't hurt so bad.
- That if I open up to a friend...a true friend...they will call me and give me a hug over the phone. Thanks jamie.
- That if I go for a walk it will allow me to process in a healthy way and to refocus.

Doesn't make the pain, fear, sadness, etc go away, but it does allow me to focus on them in a different light. In a way that will allow me to heal and not run. In a way that will allow me to get stronger and not give up. In a way that will allow me to be comfortable with who I am and not hide.

Emotions

Not too long ago I blogged about not feeling and not crying as much as I used to...

This week it has been like a faucet...but I am glad. It shows that I have some feelings deep inside of me that are slowly but surely working their way out.

This has been one emotional week for me.

- Counseling has been challenging...a good challenging.
- The uncertainty of life and relationships and wishing I was a wizard so I could predict the future. ;)

Some things that I am thankful for this week.

- Was able to share openly and honestly with J. about my feelings. It made me anxious, but I am glad I was able to express them.
- Letting friends into what was going on this week. Usually I close off...this week I didn't.
- Journaling and blogging more. Like I mentioned earlier...it allows me to reflect.

A lot was processed this week and there is a lot more to come as I continue to take this journey...day by day.

Small Goals

Setting some small goals for myself.

Blog every day for 30 days. Doesn't have to be about anything specific..just to get my thoughts out there and in a format where I can reflect. And to be honest...this may happen more than once a day. I have a lot to say these days.

Sign up for a membership at the Local Yoga place by the end of October. This can be another self soothing option...and help with relaxing and to focus. And add a little exercise in there as well. :)

Sign up to volunteer somewhere by the end of October. I think it would be good for me to get involved with the community and in turn...may help make a few friends.

Being in a constant state of focusing and healing...I think these small goals will add to me getting stronger.

Self Soothing

Sounds sort of creepy huh?

To self sooth. Maybe it sounds creepy because I am not good at it. At all. When I get depressed or anxious or sad or mad...I have never been one to self sooth.

In the past I would always panic, not breathe and just fall into a mess.

Step by step I am working on this.

Remembering to take deeps breaths when I get worked up.
Going for a walk when I get sad.
Calling a friend to talk when I feel overwhelmed.
Sharing my story to strenghen bonds with people.

To be honest...it isn't easy to do something that is so unfamiliar. But I am excited about the process. Excited about healing.

When will it just become 'My Story'

I have a lot to share...some of you know bits and pieces, some of you do not know anything...yet others know more than they probably would like to know. :)

I was talking to a friend this week about where I am in life. In a phase where I am working on all the crap that I dealt with over the years, but looking forward to when that is resolved.

Decided to right down all of my resentments..focus on them. Write down how each of them make me feel. There are a number of them...just off the top of my head I can think of a few.

Exgay Counselor - Makes me feel disgusted. The abuse I went through during group therapy and individual sessions is beyond anything I would wish on anyone.

My Mom - Coming out when I was in the 8th grade and having to shove it back inside...and for not talking to me hardly at all since I have come out as an adult. I miss her a lot and it hurts.

Friends - I have had several friends..several close friends stop talking to me. I miss them at times, but know that better friends are in my future.

I will probably go into more detail as I go...discussing the impacts these resentments have had on me.

Even though there is not a timeframe really to this process...I am anxious to get to that day when all of these resentments change from being stuff I am resolving/working on/processing to simply 'My Story'.

You know more... you love more.

I have always said that one of the greatest needs in life is to be fully known and fully loved at the same time. Can you even imagine? Someone knowing all of your secrets (yes..even the dirty ones) and still loving you no matter what. Makes me a little nervous to even talk about it. I immediatly start biting my lip and talking out of the side of my mouth when I say it.

To be fully known AND fully loved.

It is hard and it is tricky. The bad part? It is SO cut and dry. For example... in theory it sounds good right? But how is it possible? In one brief instance in order to share your life (by 'life' I mean experiences, trials, accomplishments, etc.)with someone...you would have to give them all the great and gory details? It may be possible for some of you, but not this kid.

Scares me to death to even think about it.

But being scared is part of the process. This process or journey I am going through has a lot of steps to it. I have started to share my experiences with others (jason, counselor, friends, etc), started blogging again, started feeling again (slowly but surely).

I still want to 'be fully known and fully loved"...that hasn't gone away...but it doesn't come at the snap of a finger. It comes along with the process. As people "know more...they can love more".

Whether or not they choose to love me more due to the information they are given is their choice...I can't help that.

But this is my journey in life. And I can't wait for you to know more...and in return...to love more.

I'm Back.

So it has been a year. Well...actually a year and about three months since my last post. I dissapeared for awhile. Not from life...but from my feelings. Over the past two decades of my life I have slowly but surely pushed them away. To the point where I just didn't feel anymore. Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

Scary when you think about it. And sad at the same time.

But that is why I left the blog. I started to feel. I got scared. and I ran away.

Can't do that anymore...

Reading back at some of the things I posted about are pretty intense. Earlier today I looked back at thoughts on being a gay dad. I am working on getting back to that point. Working on feeling.

It is time to complete my story.