Friday, September 30, 2011

Dealing with it...

Ever since I first dealt with being nervous/anxious/depressed back in college I realized that all of it goes directly to my stomach.

That was what? 12 years ago... Nothing has changed the fact that my stomach still will hurt, or that I will have to go to the bathroom more (sorry..but it is the truth), or that I can't eat, or that when I do want to eat nothing sounds good... Nope. that hasn't changed a bit.

What has changed is how I deal with this when it happens. And believe me.. it is still a work in progress and will probably always be a work in progress.

I have learned:
- That if I take really deep breaths when I feel anxious my stomach doesn't hurt so bad.
- That if I open up to a friend...a true friend...they will call me and give me a hug over the phone. Thanks jamie.
- That if I go for a walk it will allow me to process in a healthy way and to refocus.

Doesn't make the pain, fear, sadness, etc go away, but it does allow me to focus on them in a different light. In a way that will allow me to heal and not run. In a way that will allow me to get stronger and not give up. In a way that will allow me to be comfortable with who I am and not hide.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Not too long ago I blogged about not feeling and not crying as much as I used to...

This week it has been like a faucet...but I am glad. It shows that I have some feelings deep inside of me that are slowly but surely working their way out.

This has been one emotional week for me.

- Counseling has been challenging...a good challenging.
- The uncertainty of life and relationships and wishing I was a wizard so I could predict the future. ;)

Some things that I am thankful for this week.

- Was able to share openly and honestly with J. about my feelings. It made me anxious, but I am glad I was able to express them.
- Letting friends into what was going on this week. Usually I close off...this week I didn't.
- Journaling and blogging more. Like I mentioned allows me to reflect.

A lot was processed this week and there is a lot more to come as I continue to take this by day.

Small Goals

Setting some small goals for myself.

Blog every day for 30 days. Doesn't have to be about anything specific..just to get my thoughts out there and in a format where I can reflect. And to be honest...this may happen more than once a day. I have a lot to say these days.

Sign up for a membership at the Local Yoga place by the end of October. This can be another self soothing option...and help with relaxing and to focus. And add a little exercise in there as well. :)

Sign up to volunteer somewhere by the end of October. I think it would be good for me to get involved with the community and in turn...may help make a few friends.

Being in a constant state of focusing and healing...I think these small goals will add to me getting stronger.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Self Soothing

Sounds sort of creepy huh?

To self sooth. Maybe it sounds creepy because I am not good at it. At all. When I get depressed or anxious or sad or mad...I have never been one to self sooth.

In the past I would always panic, not breathe and just fall into a mess.

Step by step I am working on this.

Remembering to take deeps breaths when I get worked up.
Going for a walk when I get sad.
Calling a friend to talk when I feel overwhelmed.
Sharing my story to strenghen bonds with people.

To be isn't easy to do something that is so unfamiliar. But I am excited about the process. Excited about healing.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When will it just become 'My Story'

I have a lot to share...some of you know bits and pieces, some of you do not know anything...yet others know more than they probably would like to know. :)

I was talking to a friend this week about where I am in life. In a phase where I am working on all the crap that I dealt with over the years, but looking forward to when that is resolved.

Decided to right down all of my resentments..focus on them. Write down how each of them make me feel. There are a number of them...just off the top of my head I can think of a few.

Exgay Counselor - Makes me feel disgusted. The abuse I went through during group therapy and individual sessions is beyond anything I would wish on anyone.

My Mom - Coming out when I was in the 8th grade and having to shove it back inside...and for not talking to me hardly at all since I have come out as an adult. I miss her a lot and it hurts.

Friends - I have had several friends..several close friends stop talking to me. I miss them at times, but know that better friends are in my future.

I will probably go into more detail as I go...discussing the impacts these resentments have had on me.

Even though there is not a timeframe really to this process...I am anxious to get to that day when all of these resentments change from being stuff I am resolving/working on/processing to simply 'My Story'.