Dealing with Depression...the beginning

I HATE being sick. I mean...don't get me wrong. I know most people hate being sick, but I am way beyond that. I whine, complain, gripe..just ask anyone. I am not a good patient at all. If I am sick I want to be cured immediatly...and if I am throwing up, 9 times out of 10 I will probably call 911. You think I am joking, but I wouldn't joke about things like this. My friend, dr. joe, is probably regretting the fact that he became my friend because of this very reason.

My junior year in college I got really sick, but it wasn't an ill contagious sick like the flu or strep like you would think. It was brought on by anxiety and nervousness. You see...when I get nervous and/or anxious it goes directly to my stomach and really all I want to do is lay there and be alone. That has happened to me a lot through the years because of the past struggle. It started happening in late middle school and went on through my late 20's. I always knew why I delt with depression, but I would never let anyone else in on the secret.

I have delt with depression and anxiety since I talked to my family about the possiblities of me being gay back in the 8th grade. I started taking antidepressants my junior year in college and by the time I came out to my ex-wife I was taking three. It was crazy and sad all at the same time.

During that week in college I couldn't eat or keep anything down for a week. I struggled a lot during that time. I went and spoke with a pastor, but never followed through to meet with him again. I spoke with the school counselor, but I never followed through to meet with her again either. That week was the only time in college that I almost came out to a friend of mine. I was sitting with Tara outside of Scarboraugh on the steps and she was talking to me about how she also delt with depression. I was so close to telling her my struggle, but I didn't.

After not eating or going to class for a week I called my dad to come pick me up. I told him that if he didn't come and bring me to the doctor then I was going to take a bus home. Three and a half hours later he was there.

I was brought to my family doctor the next day and that is when I got on my first antidepressent. It helped a little, but not to the degree it needed to because I still was holding everything inside.

It was good to be home..in a different place where I felt comfortable. Around family and friends that have been by my side for years.

Deedra scheduled that week to be 'outdoor fun day'. That is exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things and to just be outdoors. She planned a picnic with friends and even golfing at a driving range. Like I mentioned before...this is probably the first time she will hear of how much she helped me. That week in particular... She knew I needed support and she was there to support me even when she didn't know all of the details.

By the end of that week I was feeling much better. Wasn't so anxious about things or...maybe I hid it a little better underneath the internal rug. ;)