Monday, October 3, 2011

"because my feelings say so"

My counselor wanted me to read this book called Common Sons by Ronald Donaghe.

In short, it is about these two boys who fall in love and what they have to go through in facing that feeling. It is completely fictional. Completed romantic. And not the typical book that I would usually read.

but... I like it. a lot. None of the characters are exactly like me, but I do see myself in a lot of their characteristics. For example; Tom is raised in church and working through the struggles of faith and how it ties into being gay. For years I struggled with that...for it to make sense. It isn't a struggle per say...for me anymore...because I do not think they are mutually exclusive.

but anyway... there is a quote in the book that I read this morning.. that I had to read again.

It wasn't lust after all. How could it be? Joel loves me, he thought, and because Joel had promised that Tom could trust him, and because he accepted the truth of that promise without question he felt, just then, as if a wall inside of him had been razed. I am a homosexual, because my feelings say so. And, he thought happily, it isn't lust. That was a dirty little lie he had allowed other peole to put into his head, he concluded. It was love between them.

For YEARS I had to live with people telling me that dirty little lie. That the thoughts I have are simply lust. Counselors, Friends, Family, books, groups. they all said the same thing.

So I may be getting kind of deep here...and please excuse the possible randomness of this entry...

It isn't lust. It isn't just a random urge or craving that happens to be there from time to time.

For years people told me..in some form or fashion that this was simply just lust. So that is how I interpreted it. Like what I talked about here... that it was something I had to hide. Or keep secret. that it was shady...or seedy.

The feelings I have as a homosexual. They are not lust. They are feelings of love that encompass my entire heart...but more importantly...go deep within it.

No comments: