What a decade

Wow...It is hard to believe it is almost over...don't worry, I am not complaining. Not.One.Bit.

Over the last decade I have

- gotten married
- gotten divorced
- graduated college
- became a parent
- survived cancer
- built my families home
- sold my families home
- came out of the closet
- gotten laid off
- started over

I almost have no words, but at least I am still breathing...right? That is a lot to happen in just 10 years of a person's life.

But you know what? I don't regret any of it. Some has been great and some have been the hardest things I have ever had to overcome, but I am thankful for it all.

Was talking to my dear friend Amber tonight about sitting down and mapping out this next decade. I will be taking her up on that offer.

2010 - New directions...New Goals.

Sounds amazing.

7 Random things

So I stole this from erin.

1) I am addicted to the food network and HGTV. I am not sure what my problem is really. My current favorite show is Chopped. and now that they are having a chopped championship...I am really addicted.

2) My phone is dying a very slow death. It randomly turns itself off and then back on at times. I have decided that it is either dying...or possed. Take your pick.

3) I am really REALLY into politics right now. Don't get me wrong.. I have always been into politics, but NOW..more than ever. I just get so irritated when people don't see/look at all the facts. The narrow-mindedness of the world may drive me crazy.

4) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a dad. More than anything in the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

5) I went to the Plano Balloon festival this weekend with Samuel. Who knew that hot air balloons could be so amazing?!?! I will be going every year.

6) I have never had the flu before, but I am CONVINCED that I will get it this year. Not sure why...just am. Vitamins every.single.day!

7) I am still looking for a church that I can call home. Not 100% yet on any... One will become a fit soon.

Being close to God

Tonight was a good night. I went to my friend Jim's wedding reception at this amazing hotel in Plano. I got to meet a lot of people that have influenced his life in many ways. There was one conversation that I had that I will not forget for a long long time. I can't remember the gentleman's name off the top of my head, but our conversation was centered around 'being close with God'.

You see, there was a distinct part of my life where I felt so close to God and a distinct part of my life where I didn't feel close to God at all. The years when I struggled with who I truly was as a person were those years that my relationship with God faded quickly.

God gave us two commandments. 1) Love your God with all your heart and 2) love your neighbor as yourself. The reason my relationship with God was strained was because I didn't love myself at all. I didn't accept who I was as a person and I feared what others would think of me.

I am so happy to be in a place in my life where my relationship with God is growing again. It has been many many years since it has been in a place where it has needed to be.

p.s. Congrats Jim and Bonnie! So proud of you guys...you two are an amazing couple and you have an amazing family.

Revealing your secrets

A good friend of mine shared some detailed information about his past the other day. Details that he is not proud of....at all. He went on to tell me that he has only shared this information with very few people. Three to be exact..counting me. I could tell in his writing that he was hesitant about sharing, not because he didn't want to tell me, but because sharing it makes him feel awful inside. The fear that others will look differently upon you. Those of you that have that deep dark secret hiddon inside know what I am talking about.

I went on to share this with him:

"first...I want you to know with out a doubt in your mind that anything you tell me...anything. whether personal or shared I will always respect you more for it and love you more because of it."

My life is FULL of crazy things that I am neither proud nor happy about.

I am just me...a boy from 'the groves' trying to figure out my own life, but along the way I have figured out that we (and by 'we' I mean everyone) were all created from dust, all of us do not deserve anything that God has given us. We are all one stupid decision away from being that drug dealer, that unwed mom, the kid stealing a candy bar or two from the grocery store.

Life is HARD and I in no way can pretend that it isn't.

We all have those secrets. Every.single.one.of.us. but that is what makes us human and capable of God's Love.

I promise I am not that HORRIBLE of a blogger...promise.

So..I just got a text from my friend jim. It reads "LIAR..you said you would blog once a week and it has been almost a month!" He is so right...so very right. I don't have an excuse...except well 'life'. But that is beside the point. I promised myself that I would get my thoughts out and this is the avenue I chose and I promise I will stick with it. promise.

Speaking of Jim..such a good guy. You know...he is my ONLY straight GUY friend that I talk to about life in general? And by 'life' I mean work, family, BOYS, etc. You see, he is the only STRAIGHT GUY I know that actually tries to understand my 'past, present and future' and at the same time loves me more for it.

You may have noticed by now that I keep stressing the STRAIGHT GUY part. Well, to be honest I have some girlfriends that I can vent to and talk about life with and a few gay friends, but not STRAIGHT GUY friends. Only one...and his name is jim. You would like him.

You see, and I hope he doesn't mind me sharing, but I met Jim at a weekend group thing called Every Man's Battle. He happened to be in my small group and we clicked almost instantly. I am sure it was because in the back of our minds we were wondering 'what the hell are we doing here', but we trudged along.

I didn't come out to Jim at first...actually, I didn't come out to Jim at all. He actually figured it out on his own, but I am pretty sure it was self 'sabatoge' on my part. I wanted him to know, but at the same time I knew he was straight and like any other guy coming out to his friends it is the straight guys you are most scared to come out to. Randomly one day jim sent me a text asking if my 'issue' was with guys and not girls. From that point forward I have been completely honest with him about everything.

I appreciate jim more than you know, more than I can express in this blog or with any words that can come out of my mouth.

Thank you jim for always being supportive, for always making me think, and for loving me no matter what.

Love you bud.

If I were a bee

Samuel and I rent movies all of the time. I like movies and I think that interest of mine is rubbing off on the little guy. We are fans of the 'redbox' located at various places around the neighborhood. You can rent a movie for only a $1! You only get it for one night, but they have a good selection..especially for the little ones.

Saturday we rented Bee Movie and midway through I had this little discussion with samuel.

Samuel: Daddy, I want to be a bee.
Daddy: Why?
Samuel: So I can sting people.
Daddy: *ponders for a second*
Daddy: Me too.

I love conversations with samuel for several reasons, but mostly because

a) there is complete honesty...with no filter
and
b) see reason a.

You see...some people do drive me to the point where I wish I could just sting them back into reality.

For example:

Someone deciding whether or not they want to delete me from their facebook because they feel that having me as a friend would mean they are 'approving' of my life style.

That is just absurd.

I believe people are missing the point all together. Whether you agree or disagree you are still supposed to love.


Step 1: Love the person
Step 2: That is completely up to you, but deleting me from your life is rediculous.

I know I know

I know it has been awhile since my last post. I swear to you that my life has been going 90 to nothing the past...what...15 days since my last post. My goal is to have a post up at the very least once a week. at.the.very.least. So I am going to get right on that again. I promise.

I haven't had much time to think about stuff to write about, so I am basically just going to talk about life...right now anyway.

The apartment is treating me fine. The more days I spend here the more I like it. Samuel actually asked me today why we didn't live in our house anymore. He is still adjusting... I have him every wednesday and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. This coming up weekend he is with his mom, so I am going to spend this next week redoing his room. The theme is 'outer space' and I can't ever begin to tell you how excited I am. I may just be getting a little carried away. So far I have this great outer space bedding that I found online, an old iron bed that natalie is letting more borrow that I will be painting green or orange or yellow or red (I haven't really decided), these wall stickers that I ordered online, this rocket ship lamp, these circle rugs for the floor to look like planets, these two cartoon looking rocket ship/space ship paintings, this big moon night light, this big star night light, those glow in the dark stars/planets that you put on the ceiling, a blow up rocket, a blow up alien and I still need a night stand to put his lamp on. Yeah..I may be getting carried away, but it is a kids room. Actualy...my son's room. So these things are important! I will take pictures and share once I am finished. Lots to do this weekend.

My new job is going great! There is a lot to learn, but I am getting the hang of it. I do training and development and this company has never had a training group support them, so everything is a big mess. But I like a good challege, so I am excited.

Those are the two big items on the list right now. I know it isn't exciting to read about, but I will have better stuff soon.

promise.

On the Up and Up

I was talking to erin the other day...actually chatting I believe on gchat and she said "can you believe how much your life has changed in the past week?" and I thought to myself..OMG NO I CAN'T! It is crazy.

From Friday April 24th - Friday May 1st the following things happened:

- I interviewed for a job.
- I got a job. yay!
- I sold my house.
- I found an apartment.
- I scheduled a move.

You see...for MONTHS my life has sort of been...what's the word?.... sort of just there. I have been living in the house that my ex-wife and I built several years ago. Half empty. Knowing that I was going to move, so I haven't bothered to buy anything new or change it in anyway. I haven't been working because I was laid off. It wasn't all horrible...it just seemed like my life was at a stand still.

but within a WEEK things started falling into place. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about my new place. It is sort of old...but it has a little character. And my JOB! is great. It really is. So things are going well. Really well.

- Great friends
- New job
- New apartment
- A boy that gives me butterflies everytime I think of him

I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Dealing with Depression...the beginning

I HATE being sick. I mean...don't get me wrong. I know most people hate being sick, but I am way beyond that. I whine, complain, gripe..just ask anyone. I am not a good patient at all. If I am sick I want to be cured immediatly...and if I am throwing up, 9 times out of 10 I will probably call 911. You think I am joking, but I wouldn't joke about things like this. My friend, dr. joe, is probably regretting the fact that he became my friend because of this very reason.

My junior year in college I got really sick, but it wasn't an ill contagious sick like the flu or strep like you would think. It was brought on by anxiety and nervousness. You see...when I get nervous and/or anxious it goes directly to my stomach and really all I want to do is lay there and be alone. That has happened to me a lot through the years because of the past struggle. It started happening in late middle school and went on through my late 20's. I always knew why I delt with depression, but I would never let anyone else in on the secret.

I have delt with depression and anxiety since I talked to my family about the possiblities of me being gay back in the 8th grade. I started taking antidepressants my junior year in college and by the time I came out to my ex-wife I was taking three. It was crazy and sad all at the same time.

During that week in college I couldn't eat or keep anything down for a week. I struggled a lot during that time. I went and spoke with a pastor, but never followed through to meet with him again. I spoke with the school counselor, but I never followed through to meet with her again either. That week was the only time in college that I almost came out to a friend of mine. I was sitting with Tara outside of Scarboraugh on the steps and she was talking to me about how she also delt with depression. I was so close to telling her my struggle, but I didn't.

After not eating or going to class for a week I called my dad to come pick me up. I told him that if he didn't come and bring me to the doctor then I was going to take a bus home. Three and a half hours later he was there.

I was brought to my family doctor the next day and that is when I got on my first antidepressent. It helped a little, but not to the degree it needed to because I still was holding everything inside.

It was good to be home..in a different place where I felt comfortable. Around family and friends that have been by my side for years.

Deedra scheduled that week to be 'outdoor fun day'. That is exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things and to just be outdoors. She planned a picnic with friends and even golfing at a driving range. Like I mentioned before...this is probably the first time she will hear of how much she helped me. That week in particular... She knew I needed support and she was there to support me even when she didn't know all of the details.

By the end of that week I was feeling much better. Wasn't so anxious about things or...maybe I hid it a little better underneath the internal rug. ;)

Thoughts on being a gay dad

I picked my son up today and headed over to the park close by his school. I bought him a kite for Easter and this is really the first time we are getting to fly it. Needless to say he wasn't that interested...

"daddy, i'm bored..."

So I put the kite up and we start walking around the creek that runs through the park. As we cross back and fourth walking over the sleepery rocks samuel is tightly holding my hand not wanting to fall. Usually I am pretty careful about these things, but not so much today.

Samuel slipped...and I slipped right in after him. He was neck deep in the gross green muck and I was kneeling in the same mess. I was grossed out..he was grossed out. It wasn't pretty.

I have mentioned before that I am pretty much black or white when it comes to my opinion of things (hence the name of my blog). But there are a few things that leave me thinking...and thinking...and thinking some more.

For example...

The death penalty - no clue where I stand
Stem cell research - again...no clue
At what point and how do I tell my son that his daddy is gay - I haven't gotten the slightest idea.

I try really hard to be a good dad.

I was talking to a good friend the other day and he asked me what I thought about being a dad. I told him that it was really hard to explain. I told him that I never thought I could love samuel as much as I do. Just being able to raise him...and him look up to me the way he does is unexplainable.

My biggest fear about being a gay dad is that when samuel does find out he will look at me different.

Each night (the nights I have samuel) we pray together, I lay him in bed kiss him good night and remind him every.single.time. that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me love him less. nothing.

My heavenly father has taught me to lead with love...sounds like a good place to start.

Just incase you were interested

I am copying my good friend Ryan and transfering these over to my blog as well. Fyi, I did update a few of them. In case you wanted to learn a little bit more about me...here you go...

1. I am the middle child and I am everything like a middle child.

2. I dream about driving a Jeep Wrangler. One of my best friends, deedra, drives a black one and it makes me jealous. But don't tell her that...she may start to rub it in. ; )

3. I absolutely love being a dad. My son's name is samuel and he is four.

4. I am a cancer survivor. After surgery and radiation I am almost 4 years cancer free.

5. I have two dogs. A toy fox terrier and a Brussels Griffon. Their names are roxie and gertie. They are always for sale incase you are interested.

6. Even though I wear glasses I hate doing it. But I hate wearing contacts even more....so here I am.

7. I have no tattos or piercings, but not because I do not want them.

8. I have never broken a bone, but my foot did get chipped by a random jet ski accident. Had to call my date from the hospital to see if she could drive to prom.

9. I absolutely love the beach and will chose it over snow skiing anyday.

10. I hate cold weather. I would be just fine if I went my entire life with weather over 70 degrees.

11. When I get nervous I do two things. I have to go to the bathroom A LOT and I bite my lower lip.

12. I have a BA in Communications from East Texas Baptist University.

13. I hate it when people overstate the obvious.

14. I celebrate my birthday for two weeks. The week before and the week after.

15. I love rollercoasters, but I can't ride on anything that spins like a merry-go-round. I will throw up.

16. I love Everclear. The band..not the beverage.

17. I do not get my haircut as much as I should.

18. I love to read a good book.

19. I am a horrible driver and I am the first to admit it. Just ask my friends.

20. I can't sing and I do not assume that I can.

21. I have six brothers and sisters. 1 real brother, 1 half sister, 1 half brother, 2 step brothers and 1 step sister. I love them all very much.

22. I wish I worked out more but I just do not have the discipline.

23. I love television. And my favorite shows of all time are The West Wing, Friends, E.R., Arrested Development, and Lost.

24. I love movies just as much as television...or maybe a little more. Favorite movies are Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society and A Few Good Men.

25. I am really really thinking about auditioning for a play again...it could be fun.

"Pretty Remarkable"

I really don't even know where to begin with this blog entry. I am at a loss for words. And if you know me well enough..you know that doesn't happen often. Or ever really.

but today I am. Since tuesday I have gotten the nicest most encouraging emails from dear friends of mine that I haven't spoken to in years.

If you all do not mind, I would like to share a bit with you...a few excerpts from some of the emails. Like I mentioned before, I am a saver and this is the perfect place to save...

Throughout life I have gotten close to a lot of people. Of no fault of our own, for some reason we go our seperate ways...someone moves and you gradually lose touch. This was from an email of one of my closest friends in college. For a time we were inseperable... When I think back of the memories I had in college he is always included. I have always been thankful for his friendship and thankful for this email...

"well, i just want to be one of your friends from the past that says, you being gay doesn't change your essense, nor my opinion of it. and it sure as hell doesn't change the Father's opinion of your essense."

This impacted me so much when I read it. Because nothing makes me more happy than to know that being Gay and Loving Jesus are not mutually exclusive any longer. For such a long time that was the case for me. But my friend did sum it up when he said that "it sure as hell doesn't change the Father's opinion of your essense".

High School was really fun for me. I was in band and had a lot of really good friends in band. Some I wished I would have opened up to a long long time ago. Out of the group of friends I hung out with, many turned out to be gay. It meant a lot when one of those friends sent me this...

"So...I've been reading your blog. Thanks for sharing such a personal topic with everyone in such raw form."

I decided a long time ago that I was going to be open and honest with people from here on out. This is me...this is who I am.

In college I was involved in a lot of speech and theatre activities. One of the plays I was cast in was Stonewall Jackson's House. This play was controversial in the small southern baptist school that I attended because it dealt with a lot of issues (i.e. racism, etc). There were four of us that were cast for this play and it is amazing how close you become to the other cast members. My 'wife' in the play sent this...

"I read your blog, and I felt like at least, in some corner of the world, someone quit running and stood and were themselves. For that I am proud of you."

I can't even begin to describe to you how good it felt when I decided to stop running and just be myself. There was such a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

There is someone who has come back into my life recently that I am so thankful for. She is one of those friends that are in it for the long haul. Not sure why we fell out of touch, but over the past 6 months or so our friendship is getting back to the point it was in middle school and high school. She sent me this last night...

"i think its witty and sweet and i want to be one of the friends that you can rely on for support and love..... just know that i DO love you... having you back in my life has meant a lot to me!"

I will get into this a lot more later, but before I came out...that was my biggest fear. That all of my friends and family would abandon me and leave me stranded to pick up the pieces. It means so much to know that I can rely on so many people for their support and love.

Like I mentioned before...my friends are my family. I have always placed them in that capacity. Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It means so much.

Coming Out: Take 1

I have been going over and over again in my head about where to start with my story of coming out. This hasn't been easy. My guess is that my blog will start out being more general and as I blog more I will dive into specifics here and there.

So...when a friend is trying to tell me a story and they start off by saying "where do I begin?", my initial response is "At the beginning...".

So here goes.

I realized something was different right around the beginning of my 8th grade year in middle school. That year was hard...and scary.

I was confused back then...14 and the only thing anyone ever told me about being gay was how wrong it was and how God didn't like it...not even a little bit. I delt with this feeling for a couple of months while I was trying to figure it all out. Until I sat my mom down at the kitchen table and told her what was going on in my head.

To give you the short version of the steps that proceeded the next couple of weeks:
- My mom prayed.
- My mom called my grandmother.
- My grandmother prayed.
- I was taken to a counselor who told me that being gay was ok.
- I freaked out...told my mom that everything was okay.
- Nothing was ever said again about it.

Nothing at all was said about it again. Ever. My guess is that my mom/family just wanted it all to go away. And I pretended it did...until of course I came out several years later. I don't mention this all that much...and would be surprised if some of my closest friends even know about this.

One important thing did happen that summer after my 8th grade year that has impacted me to this day. One of my best friends, Deedra, invited me to church with her and to church camp that summer. That is the summer I got to know Jesus on a more personal level and I will always be thankful for that.

You will hear about Deedra a lot on this blog. I hope she doesn't mind... Because I have stories to tell about how she has supported me that she doesn't even know about.

It is amazing how far I have come in the past 17 years. Comparing myself to the person I am today and the person I was back then. I smile a lot more. Laugh a lot more. Amazing.

One layer at a time...right?

I read a lot...well...I used to read a lot. Not so much in the past few weeks since I have been laid off from work. (I realize that makes no sense because I have all the time in the world, but bare with me folks...my routine is in shambles. Just ask the gym when was the last time I graced them with my presense...it's not pretty. ha)

Anyway -

I was sharing with some friends one day about how I felt when I came out 'officially' to my now ex-wife, family and friends (those will be blog entries soon...promise). That was really the first step I took in regards to finally deciding to embrace what God made me to be. Everytime I take a step into the direction of being happy with who I am that is like another layer getting peeled right off.


The best way I can describe it is a quote from one of the Chronicles of Narnia books. There is a section in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Eustace...a selfish, deceptive boy is turned into a dragon. Then Aslan, the Christ figure comes to save him... It reads like this....

"…I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast off their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the Lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I were a banana. So I started to go down into the well for my bath. But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well….

…the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? So I scratched away for the third time… but as soon
as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

Then the Lion said… 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty desperate now. So I just lay flat on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.

Then he caught hold of me—I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on—and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but
only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that… I'd turned into a boy again. After a bit the Lion took me out and dressed me."


That quote gets me everytime. Hard for me to express into words. But I wanted
to share this with you.

Friends

My friends mean so much to me. I mean...my really close friends that would do anything for me. You know who you all are and I am so thankful. I put them on the same level as family...I have always been that way really. They are the ones who have gotten me through the hard times and are always there when times are good.

I get sad on occasion. It happens. I guess with how I was raised and how my life is changing it is a natural part of the process as I am working on figuring things out. But my friends are always a quick visit, gchat, text, email or phone call away.

I am a saver. Whether that be texts, emails, letters. I save things that impact me in any way. I was chatting with jamie several months back and out of no where this conversation started...


jamie: I love you Danael
me: aww. thank you jamie. I love you too. what was that for?
jamie: just 'cause.
jamie: because I know your heart
and I know you love Jesus, and I know you struggle inside
and I know it's going to be OK, because God knows your heart too

and I'm glad we can have a healthy debate about what we believe in and still be bff
or maybe it's just the wine talking.


I read this from time to time. It is very encouraging to me, because I know everything is going to be ok. With all of my heart I know that.

Thank you Erin, Jess, Jamie, Jim, Greg, and Deedra for being there when things were at an all time low. And thank you a head of time for knowing you will always be there...good and bad.

Thank you for always making me smile.

New Direction....it is time.

Like the title says, I am going into a new direction with this blog. You see...in the past I would blog a little...stop blogging...get hounded by friends to blog...then blog a little more. Then I confessed that I didn't blog because I was scared people would read it and think something, so I limited people's contact.

Not anymore.

The problem wasn't that I didn't want to blog. The problem was that I was afraid to blog...or better yet...afraid to blog about things because of what people didn't know about me.

Well..it is time. What ever it looks like I am putting it here for the world to read. It is who I am and I am how God made me. The Good the Bad and the Ugly.

You will read about my life here and how I am growing to love God and be a gay man at the same time. You will read about struggles. You will read about questions. I will share stories about my past, my family, issues and my faith.

Thank you for reading. I hope you will stick around.