Yeah... you read the title right. I actually came out twice... the first time happened like this.
The 2nd time... happened several years later.
It took me awhile to come out. I grew up in a southern baptist home. I went to a southern baptist church. I went to a southern baptist college. I was married in a southern baptist church. Are you getting the picture?
Basically I was raised that this was not natural/normal...that it could be fixed, that if I prayed hard enough that it would go away. As the years went on and as I tried to 'fix' the 'issue' the joy from my life gradually faded away...and walls started to be built.
So I was at a cross point... coming out would require a lot of things to happen.
- Get a divorce.
- Move out of my families home.
- Only have my son half the time.
- Friends moving on
- Leave a church family
- Impacting my parents/siblings
This all came to a head the later part of 2007. After many years of ex-gay therapy, many years of denying who I was, many years of being in a unhealthy marriage I had to say something. I had to come out...for myself.
It happened on the floor in my home in forney. I was depressed/sad/angry...my wife at the time repeatedly started to ask me what was wrong. With tears in my eyes...and not knowing what outcome or impact this would have on my life I said the words "I am gay".
What happened the rest of that evening is sort of a blur now, but what I voiced that night was at that point...the truest thing I have ever allowed myself to do.
Since then I have had the ability to work on myself...overcoming the walls that have been built. Feeling joy like I have never felt before. Feeling a love so deep that it is beyond measure.
Feels good to feel again.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Ex Ex Gay
For years I went through ex-gay therapy. From 2002 to right at the end of 2007. For those of you who do not know what this is...in short...it is a type of therapy where they try to make you straight. During those years I did many things to try to make this work...by 'this' I mean..make the gay go away.
Counselors
Group Therapy
Group Discussions
Books..many many books
Celebrate recovery
Every Man's Battle Conference
Wow..seems like the list is never ending. There are many thoughts and feelings going on in my head right now about this type of therapy. It really did take a traumatic toll on my life.
When I think back of all the years I went through to try to fix a problem that wasn't even a problem in the first place makes me very sad...very angry.
I was talking to my counselor yesterday about how I would like to be an advocate for people that have suffered this same path. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to the opportunity when it arises.
Counselors
Group Therapy
Group Discussions
Books..many many books
Celebrate recovery
Every Man's Battle Conference
Wow..seems like the list is never ending. There are many thoughts and feelings going on in my head right now about this type of therapy. It really did take a traumatic toll on my life.
When I think back of all the years I went through to try to fix a problem that wasn't even a problem in the first place makes me very sad...very angry.
I was talking to my counselor yesterday about how I would like to be an advocate for people that have suffered this same path. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to the opportunity when it arises.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Thankful
Today I am thankful.
For healing. For Truth. For being couragous. For Samuel. For J. For overcoming. For Love. For healthy counseling. For my best friends. For Openness. For Laughter. For smiles. For the ability to cry. For Feelings. For honesty.
I cried this evening. Not because I am sad, but because I am overcoming and it is empowering.
You see... I thought my life was stuck. That there was no way I would ever be able to work through the stuff I have been through...more or less overcome them.
Today. I am thankful.
For healing. For Truth. For being couragous. For Samuel. For J. For overcoming. For Love. For healthy counseling. For my best friends. For Openness. For Laughter. For smiles. For the ability to cry. For Feelings. For honesty.
I cried this evening. Not because I am sad, but because I am overcoming and it is empowering.
You see... I thought my life was stuck. That there was no way I would ever be able to work through the stuff I have been through...more or less overcome them.
Today. I am thankful.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 2
As I blog more I want to dive a little deeper into some of the items I reference.
In the first blog on being vulnerable...one of the things I have put into place to make this happen is acknowledging my feelings.
So what does it mean to actually acknowledge my feelings? I think there are multiple levels of this.
A) Exactly what is says. If I am sad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am happy...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am mad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. Pretty simple...right?
B) Actually feeling these feelings. This is where it can get a bit tougher. For example..in the past when I felt sad..I would let myself be sad...but I built this wall to only allow myself to get so sad. Or mad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. Or even in the other direction...happy, joyous, etc. It is like I lived in this constant state of even kill.
Just like I referenced back in June...
What kind of life is that? To not allow myself to feel deeply. Doesn't allow me that deep connection with people and in return...doesn't allow others to have that deep connection with me.
The process is not the easiest of efforts. In most cases I process through them just fine, but in the cases where I feel a little overwhelmed or anxious I go back to the steps I have in place to deal with it.
The results are good...Over the past several months I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, I have laughed more than I have laughed in years and the smile part...well I am pretty sure j. gives me a funny every time he sees the silly grin that is constantly planted on my face :).
In the first blog on being vulnerable...one of the things I have put into place to make this happen is acknowledging my feelings.
So what does it mean to actually acknowledge my feelings? I think there are multiple levels of this.
A) Exactly what is says. If I am sad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am happy...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am mad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. Pretty simple...right?
B) Actually feeling these feelings. This is where it can get a bit tougher. For example..in the past when I felt sad..I would let myself be sad...but I built this wall to only allow myself to get so sad. Or mad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. Or even in the other direction...happy, joyous, etc. It is like I lived in this constant state of even kill.
Just like I referenced back in June...
Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.
What kind of life is that? To not allow myself to feel deeply. Doesn't allow me that deep connection with people and in return...doesn't allow others to have that deep connection with me.
The process is not the easiest of efforts. In most cases I process through them just fine, but in the cases where I feel a little overwhelmed or anxious I go back to the steps I have in place to deal with it.
The results are good...Over the past several months I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, I have laughed more than I have laughed in years and the smile part...well I am pretty sure j. gives me a funny every time he sees the silly grin that is constantly planted on my face :).
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Just Breathe.
I was thinking this morning as I was bringing samuel to his soccer game of all of the self soothing things I am able to do...for a number of reasons.
When I get overwelmed...one of the things I sometimes forget to do is breathe. To just simply breathe. Knowing now...that focusing on this one thing when I get anxious or nervous can make a HUGE impact in how I can handle any situation.
I realized something in the car this morning that I thought was pretty funny and immediatly jotted it down because I wanted to blog about it... That when I get anxious and I remind myself to breath...that ever.single.time I do it... a part of the movie Ever After with drew barrymore appears in my mind.
Check it out here...
Ever After: Trailer
If you haven't seen the movie or if you do not want to watch the entire thing, just skip to around 1:32. She is walking into the ball and reminds herself to 'breathe, just breathe'.
I am not kidding when I say that everytime that I remind myself to breathe that this part of the movie comes to mind.
Made me laugh out loud a bit when I actually thought about it. but hey..whatever works...right?
When I get overwelmed...one of the things I sometimes forget to do is breathe. To just simply breathe. Knowing now...that focusing on this one thing when I get anxious or nervous can make a HUGE impact in how I can handle any situation.
I realized something in the car this morning that I thought was pretty funny and immediatly jotted it down because I wanted to blog about it... That when I get anxious and I remind myself to breath...that ever.single.time I do it... a part of the movie Ever After with drew barrymore appears in my mind.
Check it out here...
Ever After: Trailer
If you haven't seen the movie or if you do not want to watch the entire thing, just skip to around 1:32. She is walking into the ball and reminds herself to 'breathe, just breathe'.
I am not kidding when I say that everytime that I remind myself to breathe that this part of the movie comes to mind.
Made me laugh out loud a bit when I actually thought about it. but hey..whatever works...right?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thoughts on being vulnerable.
Brainstorming here...so please don't mind the sparatic post. Afterall...these are the thoughts coming out of my head. :)
Vulnerable. Being Vulnerable. Scary to think about, but SO important to overcome this fear for the sake of any meaningful relationship.
For years I didn't allow this to happen. Not even an ounce of vulnerability would show through my skin. When I think back...this started when I went through that bout of depression back in college. It was a rough time back then and it scared me to death and I was determined to never let myself get to that state again.
but you know what? it lead to some crappy stuff. not feeling, no emotions, no deep relationships...you get the picture?
So over the past several months I have been working on this fear of mine. This fear of being vulnerable. I know where it came from, so that is a start. Past experiences, past issues, bad counseling, not living my truth.
things I have put into play to make this happen. things that are allowing me to be more vulnerable.
Opening up - in all aspects of my life. have nothing to hide. "you know more you love more"
Living my Truth - Exactly what it means. No hiding. Living as the person I was created to be.
Acknowledging my feelings - always. always. always.
Letting go of the fear - pushing myself to let it go.
Trusting - in people. that they will love me more because of my truth.
Quantity vs. Quality - misery loves company...right? 'cleaning house' and focusing on the quality of people. Being around people who encourage me. see the best in me. who love me.
Vulnerable. Being Vulnerable. Scary to think about, but SO important to overcome this fear for the sake of any meaningful relationship.
For years I didn't allow this to happen. Not even an ounce of vulnerability would show through my skin. When I think back...this started when I went through that bout of depression back in college. It was a rough time back then and it scared me to death and I was determined to never let myself get to that state again.
but you know what? it lead to some crappy stuff. not feeling, no emotions, no deep relationships...you get the picture?
So over the past several months I have been working on this fear of mine. This fear of being vulnerable. I know where it came from, so that is a start. Past experiences, past issues, bad counseling, not living my truth.
things I have put into play to make this happen. things that are allowing me to be more vulnerable.
Opening up - in all aspects of my life. have nothing to hide. "you know more you love more"
Living my Truth - Exactly what it means. No hiding. Living as the person I was created to be.
Acknowledging my feelings - always. always. always.
Letting go of the fear - pushing myself to let it go.
Trusting - in people. that they will love me more because of my truth.
Quantity vs. Quality - misery loves company...right? 'cleaning house' and focusing on the quality of people. Being around people who encourage me. see the best in me. who love me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Goal Update!
Periodically I want to jot down the status of my goals for the month. Keep it in the forefront of my mind (not that it isn't already, but you know what I mean).
Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.
Status - Still going strong. Feels good to get my thoughts out and like I have said before...a way for me to reflect. I like it.
Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.
Status - This one has changed a bit... instead of yoga I have signed up with a personal trainer. Wish me luck... I think I just made getting in shape a little more painful.
Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.
Status - Still haven't volunteered anywhere, but I am looking not just to volunteer once. I am looking to make this a commitment going forward. I want to find a place where my skills can be utilized. More to come on this...
New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.
Status - So far so good. Not that we haven't done active stuff in the past. To be honest... I am a pretty active dad. Always on the go..to the park, museum, zoo, putt putt, etc. But I want it to be a little more than that. I want to do at least one physically active thing with samuel every time I have him. I think it is important for him and it is probably even more important for me. Yesterday instead of driving to whole foods samuel and I justed walked. Well..I walked...samuel was on his scooter. :)
I have also decided that this will be something I do at the beginning of every month. Set a few goals for myself. Doesn't have to be anything crazy or difficult. Just some things that will impact the quality of my life.
Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.
Status - Still going strong. Feels good to get my thoughts out and like I have said before...a way for me to reflect. I like it.
Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.
Status - This one has changed a bit... instead of yoga I have signed up with a personal trainer. Wish me luck... I think I just made getting in shape a little more painful.
Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.
Status - Still haven't volunteered anywhere, but I am looking not just to volunteer once. I am looking to make this a commitment going forward. I want to find a place where my skills can be utilized. More to come on this...
New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.
Status - So far so good. Not that we haven't done active stuff in the past. To be honest... I am a pretty active dad. Always on the go..to the park, museum, zoo, putt putt, etc. But I want it to be a little more than that. I want to do at least one physically active thing with samuel every time I have him. I think it is important for him and it is probably even more important for me. Yesterday instead of driving to whole foods samuel and I justed walked. Well..I walked...samuel was on his scooter. :)
I have also decided that this will be something I do at the beginning of every month. Set a few goals for myself. Doesn't have to be anything crazy or difficult. Just some things that will impact the quality of my life.
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