Just Breathe.

I was thinking this morning as I was bringing samuel to his soccer game of all of the self soothing things I am able to do...for a number of reasons.

When I get overwelmed...one of the things I sometimes forget to do is breathe. To just simply breathe. Knowing now...that focusing on this one thing when I get anxious or nervous can make a HUGE impact in how I can handle any situation.

I realized something in the car this morning that I thought was pretty funny and immediatly jotted it down because I wanted to blog about it... That when I get anxious and I remind myself to breath...that ever.single.time I do it... a part of the movie Ever After with drew barrymore appears in my mind.

Check it out here...

Ever After: Trailer

If you haven't seen the movie or if you do not want to watch the entire thing, just skip to around 1:32. She is walking into the ball and reminds herself to 'breathe, just breathe'.

I am not kidding when I say that everytime that I remind myself to breathe that this part of the movie comes to mind.

Made me laugh out loud a bit when I actually thought about it. but hey..whatever works...right?

Thoughts on being vulnerable.

Brainstorming here...so please don't mind the sparatic post. Afterall...these are the thoughts coming out of my head. :)

Vulnerable. Being Vulnerable. Scary to think about, but SO important to overcome this fear for the sake of any meaningful relationship.

For years I didn't allow this to happen. Not even an ounce of vulnerability would show through my skin. When I think back...this started when I went through that bout of depression back in college. It was a rough time back then and it scared me to death and I was determined to never let myself get to that state again.

but you know what? it lead to some crappy stuff. not feeling, no emotions, no deep relationships...you get the picture?

So over the past several months I have been working on this fear of mine. This fear of being vulnerable. I know where it came from, so that is a start. Past experiences, past issues, bad counseling, not living my truth.

things I have put into play to make this happen. things that are allowing me to be more vulnerable.

Opening up - in all aspects of my life. have nothing to hide. "you know more you love more"

Living my Truth - Exactly what it means. No hiding. Living as the person I was created to be.

Acknowledging my feelings - always. always. always.

Letting go of the fear - pushing myself to let it go.

Trusting - in people. that they will love me more because of my truth.

Quantity vs. Quality - misery loves company...right? 'cleaning house' and focusing on the quality of people. Being around people who encourage me. see the best in me. who love me.

Goal Update!

Periodically I want to jot down the status of my goals for the month. Keep it in the forefront of my mind (not that it isn't already, but you know what I mean).

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Still going strong. Feels good to get my thoughts out and like I have said before...a way for me to reflect. I like it.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - This one has changed a bit... instead of yoga I have signed up with a personal trainer. Wish me luck... I think I just made getting in shape a little more painful.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - Still haven't volunteered anywhere, but I am looking not just to volunteer once. I am looking to make this a commitment going forward. I want to find a place where my skills can be utilized. More to come on this...

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Status - So far so good. Not that we haven't done active stuff in the past. To be honest... I am a pretty active dad. Always on the go..to the park, museum, zoo, putt putt, etc. But I want it to be a little more than that. I want to do at least one physically active thing with samuel every time I have him. I think it is important for him and it is probably even more important for me. Yesterday instead of driving to whole foods samuel and I justed walked. Well..I walked...samuel was on his scooter. :)

I have also decided that this will be something I do at the beginning of every month. Set a few goals for myself. Doesn't have to be anything crazy or difficult. Just some things that will impact the quality of my life.

Deeper

This word 'Deeper' that I have been using a lot lately...here, here, here, and here.

Using it in coversations with people, in writings on my blog, noticing it in my reading...

It means many things. The word Deep, but this is the one I think fits me best.

To a great depth; with depth; far down; profoundly; deeply.

So what does it mean really... more importantly...what does it mean when these things actually happen. To me it means there is a strong hold; a connection that is solid; it means Truth; Openness; vulnerability; Strength, it means support.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper love I am feeling. That not only is the love all encompassing, but goes to great depths...involves great truths, openness and vulnerability.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper relationships with people. That not only is the relationship meaningful, but it is profound. It is needed. It is quality.

Quality vs. Quantity

I have been focusing on this the past couple of days. Quality vs. Quantity. What does that even mean really?

So you have the quantity part...
More Friends
More Money
More Time
you get the picture...

Seems like for years these are the things I have been talking about...have been wanting. If I could just have more friends that lived closer. If I could just have a little more money to do the things I want. If I could just have a little more time so the weekends could be longer. More, more, more.

The quantity of it all.

It is so exhausting to think about...to write about. I can't do that anymore. Wears me out just thinking about it.

I have started focusing on the quality. The close friends I do have (in dallas and away)...cultivate those and make them deeper (side note..I have been using the word 'deeper' a lot lately...i like it). The money I do have...use it wisely and for necessity. I have plenty to cover my needs. The time I do have...make it count to the very last second (whether I am spending time focusing on me or spending time with others).

Since I came out several years ago I have been so focused on quantity that I have ignored the quality. Looking forward to focusing on the quality so much more.

"because my feelings say so"

My counselor wanted me to read this book called Common Sons by Ronald Donaghe.

In short, it is about these two boys who fall in love and what they have to go through in facing that feeling. It is completely fictional. Completed romantic. And not the typical book that I would usually read.

but... I like it. a lot. None of the characters are exactly like me, but I do see myself in a lot of their characteristics. For example; Tom is raised in church and working through the struggles of faith and how it ties into being gay. For years I struggled with that...for it to make sense. It isn't a struggle per say...for me anymore...because I do not think they are mutually exclusive.

but anyway... there is a quote in the book that I read this morning.. that I had to read again.

It wasn't lust after all. How could it be? Joel loves me, he thought, and because Joel had promised that Tom could trust him, and because he accepted the truth of that promise without question he felt, just then, as if a wall inside of him had been razed. I am a homosexual, because my feelings say so. And, he thought happily, it isn't lust. That was a dirty little lie he had allowed other peole to put into his head, he concluded. It was love between them.

For YEARS I had to live with people telling me that dirty little lie. That the thoughts I have are simply lust. Counselors, Friends, Family, books, groups. they all said the same thing.

So I may be getting kind of deep here...and please excuse the possible randomness of this entry...

It isn't lust. It isn't just a random urge or craving that happens to be there from time to time.

For years people told me..in some form or fashion that this was simply just lust. So that is how I interpreted it. Like what I talked about here... that it was something I had to hide. Or keep secret. that it was shady...or seedy.

The feelings I have as a homosexual. They are not lust. They are feelings of love that encompass my entire heart...but more importantly...go deep within it.

No Secrets

The title really does say it all.

What does a secret even mean?

To me it means...to hide. to cover up. to withhold.

I have found out first hand how damaging this can be in all relationships; partners, friends, family, etc. It weakens the bond so much that eventually it will cause destruction. Trust is damaged. Communication turns to silence. Security is squashed. Friendships can't even be born.

There are a lot of things over the past few months that I have put into place to help with my relationships. One of them being..no secrets. Being truly open and honest about everything. Can be as little as how my day at work went...to as big as the struggles going on inside of my head.

I am not saying this is an easy thing to do. A fear that you will still be loved. A fear that you will still be respected. A fear of someone getting mad. A fear of someone running away. In some cases all of these things may happen. It is a fact of life really...

I think the fears are normal, but I have to push through that to have the meaningful deep relationships I have always wanted/needed.

After all...You know more you love more...right?