Life

I am emotional these days.

that may sound like a bad thing to you, but I have never been happier. You see..in the past...well.. I wrote about it here.

Now, I am crying when I watch a movie, laughing when it really isn't that funny, and smiling just because I can.

I found out this past week that J's mom has terminal cancer. She started a blog with a first post that has more strength than I could ever imagine. I teared up the second I read the first word.

There really aren't words to say or great inspirational quotes you can give someone when they are faced with what life has given them unexpectedly...

but you can do a lot of things. You can love unconditionally. Be Patient. Offer Kindness, a shoulder, a helping hand, a shared tear, a smile, a hug.

I am praying for comfort and strength for both J and his mom. I love them both so much.

You think I'm happy?

"I dare not hope - but, when he looks at me,
Something half-shy, half-trusting, leaps therein
And shadows of dead passion and old sin
All dreadful haunting memories, take flight -
You think I'm happy? Well - Perhaps you're
right!" - F.S. Woodley

For me. If I am going to be completely honest...there is a LOT of old stuff. '...shadows of dead passion and old sin...' haunted me all the time. Past tense here because I am working through all of that...daily.

But inspite of all that...I am happy. Because "when he looks as me' all of the messes "take flight".

This month I am thankful for two things.

1) Healing
2) Love

Goal Update

Clearly yesterday was a crazy day at work...which turned into a crazy work night. which then got me side tracked and I didn't blog last night. SO...within the next two days I am going to try and squeeze in an extra blog so I can make up for it.

Getting to the home stretch of all of my goals for October.

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Besides the little miscounting incident that happened last week I am really proud of this goal and how it turned out.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - I get paid tomorrow night. so this weekend I am going to sign up for the November beginner series at the yoga sport near my house. The october beginner series already started and didn't match up with my October budget, but I am able to sign up for the November beginner series with my October paycheck. Very excited about this.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - This is still the same. Before most places allow you to volunteer they require you to attend an orientation. I am glad I was able to sign up.

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Samuel is active...very very very active. Makes this a fun goal!

Now it is time to start thinking about my November goals. Nothing crazy... just want to be able to check some items off the list. Be on the look out for those.

True character

"I pray our true character as men overshadow the hardships themselves. I am thankful to have you in the good and the bad."

I read this quote quite often. I keep it handy in a place that reminds me to read it.

Do you ever do that? Keep things that someone says to you? I don't keep everything...in all honesty I am not a 'keeper'. But I do keep anything that speaks to my heart in a way that it never has before. Like what people said here. Or what jamie said here.

Back to the quote at the top... I tear up almost every time I read it. Not because it makes me sad but because of its truth. Our true character will always always always 'overshadow the hardships themselves' as long as we remain vulnerable. As long as we continue to speak truth. As long as we continue to be open. And as long as we continue to dive deeper.

Moving beyond the box

I described a box once. This little box that for years I trapped my feelings inside of. I sort of described it here. Where I would only allow myself to get so sad..or so happy.

It is interesting to see my feelings move way beyond the box. It is both exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because it feels great. Laughing more is amazing. Crying more is freeing. Scary because I am now vulnerable...and that is just the nature of the beast when it comes to being vulnerable.

but you know what?

Being vulnerable with the people you love and love you in return... that moment when it happens. If you have experienced it you know what I am talking about. but that moment where your vulnerability brings you so much closer to the person you love. It is tender. It is organic. it is deep.

Being hard on myself

So I miss counted... I thought I completed my 30 post goal...but I didn't. only 25. yikes. Must have counted a screen of the blogs twice.

So yesterday you didn't see a blog because a) I thought my goal was up and b) I didn't write one.

but I am not going to be hard on myself. I have done that for way too long. I am just going to pick up where I left off and complete the goal. no big deal. I am getting better at that really. Better at not beating myself up and being hard on myself.

For so long...and probably as long as I can remember... I felt like I had to be the strong one. By 'strong', I don't mean tough or mean. I mean solid...constant...steady. If I faltered even the slightest bit on anything I would literally beat myself up. wow...thinking back...this in and of itself is one of the biggest reasons I suffered from depression.

Over the past several months I have learned that it is okay for me not to be strong. It is okay to show my weaknesses. That is a huge aspect of being vulnerable. Being open. Being honest.

Blogging

I have enjoyed the blogging goal I set for myself. I needed a jump start to blogging more often.

Once this goal has ended I will probably not blog every day. But I want this to be a constant. A place where I can share my story. A place to reflect on what is going on in my life. A place where people can read and know that they are not the only ones with truths they would like to share and in turn be set free.

Have several more days until my goal has ended...but when that goal is over I am not going anywhere.