There are a lot of things I know for sure.
- I know I am a good dad. Even though I worry about this a lot.
- I know I am good at my job.
- I know that all my years of ex-gay counseling caused huge issues in my life.
- I know that going to counseling has enabled me to work through issues I have never worked through before. It is exciting to actually see the walls I have built up over the years crumble down around me.
- I know I am gay and will continue to learn about what it means to be a gay man.
- I know that being gay is not dirty or lustful.
- I know that when you 'know more you love more'.
- I know that there are people in this world who love me because of the above.
- I know I have to trust my intuition and to always follow that.
- I know that the actions I have done in my past have caused harm to people I love.
- I know that it is important to feel and when feelings dissapear help is needed.
- I know that foregiveness is possible.
- I know to be vulnerable I have to be open and honest.
- I know that life is not always easy.
- I know that I have a story to tell and that there are people who need to hear it.
- I know that I will be okay.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Lack of words
so.. I was waiting for this day to come.
the day where I am not sure what to write...I was waiting for it. anticipating its arrival. to be honest... I figured it would come sooner than this.
When I set this goal to blog for 30 days I never wanted anything to be forced, so I am not going to start now. That isn't authentic.
So I leave you with my favorite quote by my favorite author.
It means a lot.
the day where I am not sure what to write...I was waiting for it. anticipating its arrival. to be honest... I figured it would come sooner than this.
When I set this goal to blog for 30 days I never wanted anything to be forced, so I am not going to start now. That isn't authentic.
So I leave you with my favorite quote by my favorite author.
"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - C.S. Lewis
It means a lot.
Monday, October 17, 2011
'distinct among others'
Over the past several months different words have had an impact on me.
I have touched on some of these recently...
Quality
Deeper
Vulnerable
One I want to write about but haven't had the chance to...
Authentic
One I want to talk about today...
Special
My favorite definition is
I have been thinking about this word a lot lately and it hits on a couple of areas.
1) Making sure my needs are met so that I feel special. This is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc.) The people I have in my life.. are they making me feel special...important...are they making me feel 'distinct among others'. I know this looks a little different depending on the type of relationship, but that is the key phrase here. Do their words and actions have a positive influence on my life. But at the same time...when it doesn't happen...how can I communicate this in a healthy way, because they are in my life for a reason and I want to always remain open.
2) Making sure that the people I love and care about feel special and that I am able to meet their needs in whatever capacity that looks like. Again...this is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc). Do my actions and the words that come out of my mouth make them feel special. I want this to always be in the forefront of my mind...to always make them feel 'distinct among others'.
I want this to become 2nd nature.
I have touched on some of these recently...
Quality
Deeper
Vulnerable
One I want to write about but haven't had the chance to...
Authentic
One I want to talk about today...
Special
My favorite definition is
Distinct among others of a kind
I have been thinking about this word a lot lately and it hits on a couple of areas.
1) Making sure my needs are met so that I feel special. This is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc.) The people I have in my life.. are they making me feel special...important...are they making me feel 'distinct among others'. I know this looks a little different depending on the type of relationship, but that is the key phrase here. Do their words and actions have a positive influence on my life. But at the same time...when it doesn't happen...how can I communicate this in a healthy way, because they are in my life for a reason and I want to always remain open.
2) Making sure that the people I love and care about feel special and that I am able to meet their needs in whatever capacity that looks like. Again...this is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc). Do my actions and the words that come out of my mouth make them feel special. I want this to always be in the forefront of my mind...to always make them feel 'distinct among others'.
I want this to become 2nd nature.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Goal Update
Since it is the middle of the month I wanted to give a goal update.
Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.
Status - Still going strong. 17 days and counting...
Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.
Status - Ok... this one has changed a bit again. Originally I decided yoga...then I went to a personal trainer...but I am going back to yoga again. I will sign up for a beginners series before the month is over.
Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.
Status - I signed up to do a new volunteer orientation the first thursday in November at the resource center of dallas. See what they need help with.. still looking for others as well.
New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.
Status - I really like this goal a lot. It has been fun thinking of different stuff to do with samuel. even if it is just going outside and bouncing a basketball back and fourth.
Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.
Status - Still going strong. 17 days and counting...
Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.
Status - Ok... this one has changed a bit again. Originally I decided yoga...then I went to a personal trainer...but I am going back to yoga again. I will sign up for a beginners series before the month is over.
Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.
Status - I signed up to do a new volunteer orientation the first thursday in November at the resource center of dallas. See what they need help with.. still looking for others as well.
New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.
Status - I really like this goal a lot. It has been fun thinking of different stuff to do with samuel. even if it is just going outside and bouncing a basketball back and fourth.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The truth will set you free
After reading some of my blog posts I wanted to make sure I made something pretty clear...because after reading some of them I can see how some people could misinterpret.
It is true that I went through ex-gay therapy for years not to be gay. I tried really really hard not to be. But I am no longer struggling with the issue of my sexuality. When I decided to get a divorce..at the same time I decided to come out to everyone I knew as well.
The reason I am blogging and going to counseling is not because I am conflicted on being a gay man...that isn't the case at all. I am blogging and going to counseling to work on all the damage that was caused in my life by all of the unhealthy ex-gay counseling.
A lot of damage was done over the years that resulted in walls being built, feelings being turned off and me not being able to live like the person I was created to be.
This blog. The counseling I am going through. Being open. Being honest. Not hiding. Letting go of secrets. Letting go of the shame. Refusing to be scared.
That is living my truth.
It is true that I went through ex-gay therapy for years not to be gay. I tried really really hard not to be. But I am no longer struggling with the issue of my sexuality. When I decided to get a divorce..at the same time I decided to come out to everyone I knew as well.
The reason I am blogging and going to counseling is not because I am conflicted on being a gay man...that isn't the case at all. I am blogging and going to counseling to work on all the damage that was caused in my life by all of the unhealthy ex-gay counseling.
A lot of damage was done over the years that resulted in walls being built, feelings being turned off and me not being able to live like the person I was created to be.
This blog. The counseling I am going through. Being open. Being honest. Not hiding. Letting go of secrets. Letting go of the shame. Refusing to be scared.
That is living my truth.
"I have never known an instance where anybody was able to let go of a secret and shame...and not be better off with their lives." - Oprah
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 3
For so many years I hid. From something. Hid from being gay, hid from hurt, hid from my feelings, hid from hurting others, hid from life...
Not really a life worth living is it? When I stop to think about it I realize how sad that is to me.
For so many years I was scared. Scared of what people thought of me for who I was. Scared that I would be perceived as weak. Scared to feel because it may cause me to break down.
One of the key factors...I think anyway...to being vulnerable, is Living my Truth. No more hiding. No more being scared. Just simply...living as the person I was created to be...no matter what.
I am committed to living great truths. To not hiding. To being me.
"you know more..you love more"
Not really a life worth living is it? When I stop to think about it I realize how sad that is to me.
For so many years I was scared. Scared of what people thought of me for who I was. Scared that I would be perceived as weak. Scared to feel because it may cause me to break down.
One of the key factors...I think anyway...to being vulnerable, is Living my Truth. No more hiding. No more being scared. Just simply...living as the person I was created to be...no matter what.
I am committed to living great truths. To not hiding. To being me.
"you know more..you love more"
Thursday, October 13, 2011
So much
I told samuel the other day that I love him so much. He looked at me and asked in his little smirk..."daddy, what does 'so much' mean?"
I told him that so much means that I not only love him with all of my heart, but all the way deep into the bottom. He looked and smiled and started watching The Avengers again.
I believe it is important to tell and share your feelings with the people you love. I think I have always known this and in most cases in my past have voiced it, but actions do speak so much louder than words.
The people I care deeply (there is that word again) for...I want them to know how special they are to me. I want them to know how important they are to me. I want them to know the 'so much'.
I told him that so much means that I not only love him with all of my heart, but all the way deep into the bottom. He looked and smiled and started watching The Avengers again.
I believe it is important to tell and share your feelings with the people you love. I think I have always known this and in most cases in my past have voiced it, but actions do speak so much louder than words.
The people I care deeply (there is that word again) for...I want them to know how special they are to me. I want them to know how important they are to me. I want them to know the 'so much'.
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