Deeper

This word 'Deeper' that I have been using a lot lately...here, here, here, and here.

Using it in coversations with people, in writings on my blog, noticing it in my reading...

It means many things. The word Deep, but this is the one I think fits me best.

To a great depth; with depth; far down; profoundly; deeply.

So what does it mean really... more importantly...what does it mean when these things actually happen. To me it means there is a strong hold; a connection that is solid; it means Truth; Openness; vulnerability; Strength, it means support.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper love I am feeling. That not only is the love all encompassing, but goes to great depths...involves great truths, openness and vulnerability.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper relationships with people. That not only is the relationship meaningful, but it is profound. It is needed. It is quality.

Quality vs. Quantity

I have been focusing on this the past couple of days. Quality vs. Quantity. What does that even mean really?

So you have the quantity part...
More Friends
More Money
More Time
you get the picture...

Seems like for years these are the things I have been talking about...have been wanting. If I could just have more friends that lived closer. If I could just have a little more money to do the things I want. If I could just have a little more time so the weekends could be longer. More, more, more.

The quantity of it all.

It is so exhausting to think about...to write about. I can't do that anymore. Wears me out just thinking about it.

I have started focusing on the quality. The close friends I do have (in dallas and away)...cultivate those and make them deeper (side note..I have been using the word 'deeper' a lot lately...i like it). The money I do have...use it wisely and for necessity. I have plenty to cover my needs. The time I do have...make it count to the very last second (whether I am spending time focusing on me or spending time with others).

Since I came out several years ago I have been so focused on quantity that I have ignored the quality. Looking forward to focusing on the quality so much more.

"because my feelings say so"

My counselor wanted me to read this book called Common Sons by Ronald Donaghe.

In short, it is about these two boys who fall in love and what they have to go through in facing that feeling. It is completely fictional. Completed romantic. And not the typical book that I would usually read.

but... I like it. a lot. None of the characters are exactly like me, but I do see myself in a lot of their characteristics. For example; Tom is raised in church and working through the struggles of faith and how it ties into being gay. For years I struggled with that...for it to make sense. It isn't a struggle per say...for me anymore...because I do not think they are mutually exclusive.

but anyway... there is a quote in the book that I read this morning.. that I had to read again.

It wasn't lust after all. How could it be? Joel loves me, he thought, and because Joel had promised that Tom could trust him, and because he accepted the truth of that promise without question he felt, just then, as if a wall inside of him had been razed. I am a homosexual, because my feelings say so. And, he thought happily, it isn't lust. That was a dirty little lie he had allowed other peole to put into his head, he concluded. It was love between them.

For YEARS I had to live with people telling me that dirty little lie. That the thoughts I have are simply lust. Counselors, Friends, Family, books, groups. they all said the same thing.

So I may be getting kind of deep here...and please excuse the possible randomness of this entry...

It isn't lust. It isn't just a random urge or craving that happens to be there from time to time.

For years people told me..in some form or fashion that this was simply just lust. So that is how I interpreted it. Like what I talked about here... that it was something I had to hide. Or keep secret. that it was shady...or seedy.

The feelings I have as a homosexual. They are not lust. They are feelings of love that encompass my entire heart...but more importantly...go deep within it.

No Secrets

The title really does say it all.

What does a secret even mean?

To me it means...to hide. to cover up. to withhold.

I have found out first hand how damaging this can be in all relationships; partners, friends, family, etc. It weakens the bond so much that eventually it will cause destruction. Trust is damaged. Communication turns to silence. Security is squashed. Friendships can't even be born.

There are a lot of things over the past few months that I have put into place to help with my relationships. One of them being..no secrets. Being truly open and honest about everything. Can be as little as how my day at work went...to as big as the struggles going on inside of my head.

I am not saying this is an easy thing to do. A fear that you will still be loved. A fear that you will still be respected. A fear of someone getting mad. A fear of someone running away. In some cases all of these things may happen. It is a fact of life really...

I think the fears are normal, but I have to push through that to have the meaningful deep relationships I have always wanted/needed.

After all...You know more you love more...right?

Dealing with it...

Ever since I first dealt with being nervous/anxious/depressed back in college I realized that all of it goes directly to my stomach.

That was what? 12 years ago... Nothing has changed really..in the fact that my stomach still will hurt, or that I will have to go to the bathroom more (sorry..but it is the truth), or that I can't eat, or that when I do want to eat nothing sounds good... Nope. that hasn't changed a bit.

What has changed is how I deal with this when it happens. And believe me.. it is still a work in progress and will probably always be a work in progress.

I have learned:
- That if I take really deep breaths when I feel anxious my stomach doesn't hurt so bad.
- That if I open up to a friend...a true friend...they will call me and give me a hug over the phone. Thanks jamie.
- That if I go for a walk it will allow me to process in a healthy way and to refocus.

Doesn't make the pain, fear, sadness, etc go away, but it does allow me to focus on them in a different light. In a way that will allow me to heal and not run. In a way that will allow me to get stronger and not give up. In a way that will allow me to be comfortable with who I am and not hide.

Emotions

Not too long ago I blogged about not feeling and not crying as much as I used to...

This week it has been like a faucet...but I am glad. It shows that I have some feelings deep inside of me that are slowly but surely working their way out.

This has been one emotional week for me.

- Counseling has been challenging...a good challenging.
- The uncertainty of life and relationships and wishing I was a wizard so I could predict the future. ;)

Some things that I am thankful for this week.

- Was able to share openly and honestly with J. about my feelings. It made me anxious, but I am glad I was able to express them.
- Letting friends into what was going on this week. Usually I close off...this week I didn't.
- Journaling and blogging more. Like I mentioned earlier...it allows me to reflect.

A lot was processed this week and there is a lot more to come as I continue to take this journey...day by day.

Small Goals

Setting some small goals for myself.

Blog every day for 30 days. Doesn't have to be about anything specific..just to get my thoughts out there and in a format where I can reflect. And to be honest...this may happen more than once a day. I have a lot to say these days.

Sign up for a membership at the Local Yoga place by the end of October. This can be another self soothing option...and help with relaxing and to focus. And add a little exercise in there as well. :)

Sign up to volunteer somewhere by the end of October. I think it would be good for me to get involved with the community and in turn...may help make a few friends.

Being in a constant state of focusing and healing...I think these small goals will add to me getting stronger.