You know more... you love more.

I have always said that one of the greatest needs in life is to be fully known and fully loved at the same time. Can you even imagine? Someone knowing all of your secrets (yes..even the dirty ones) and still loving you no matter what. Makes me a little nervous to even talk about it. I immediatly start biting my lip and talking out of the side of my mouth when I say it.

To be fully known AND fully loved.

It is hard and it is tricky. The bad part? It is SO cut and dry. For example... in theory it sounds good right? But how is it possible? In one brief instance in order to share your life (by 'life' I mean experiences, trials, accomplishments, etc.)with someone...you would have to give them all the great and gory details? It may be possible for some of you, but not this kid.

Scares me to death to even think about it.

But being scared is part of the process. This process or journey I am going through has a lot of steps to it. I have started to share my experiences with others (jason, counselor, friends, etc), started blogging again, started feeling again (slowly but surely).

I still want to 'be fully known and fully loved"...that hasn't gone away...but it doesn't come at the snap of a finger. It comes along with the process. As people "know more...they can love more".

Whether or not they choose to love me more due to the information they are given is their choice...I can't help that.

But this is my journey in life. And I can't wait for you to know more...and in return...to love more.

I'm Back.

So it has been a year. Well...actually a year and about three months since my last post. I dissapeared for awhile. Not from life...but from my feelings. Over the past two decades of my life I have slowly but surely pushed them away. To the point where I just didn't feel anymore. Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

Scary when you think about it. And sad at the same time.

But that is why I left the blog. I started to feel. I got scared. and I ran away.

Can't do that anymore...

Reading back at some of the things I posted about are pretty intense. Earlier today I looked back at thoughts on being a gay dad. I am working on getting back to that point. Working on feeling.

It is time to complete my story.

Is it really March 2nd already?

So I am hear to give an update on the New Years Resolutions...

1) Read at LEAST two books a month. If that means less t.v. and more reading then so be it. I will make it happen.

I am totally sucking at this one. I have started two books...but have yet to finish two books a month.

2) Become a vegetarian (still researching and thinking about this one)

um...so...I can say that I have become 'more' of a vegetarian, but I don't think I will ever FULLFLEDGE become one. I will probably just eat less meat and choose healthier options.

3) Blog more. Jamie and I have already made a pact to encourage each other.

yeah...no comment on this one.

4) Never Ever go into another Wal-mart again. Ever.

I am totally rocking on this one. Haven't even stepped foot in one!

5) Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.

blah. not very successful at this either. but I will get there.


So those are the NYR updates... here is a life update.

Jamie convinced me to give up something for lent. Neither one of us are catholic, but we decided to do it anyway. She gave up drinking alone (which she travels A LOT by herself, so drinking alone happens A LOT) and I decided to give up dessert. For two reasons 1) for Jesus (obviously..it is lent btw) and 2) because I had my annual blood work done at the dr and he said my glucose was high. A little piece of me actually died when I told her what I had chosen to give up for lent.

This started two weeks ago. I haven't had even a PIECE OF CANDY for two weeks. Not one piece.

Needless to say..I can not wait until Easter. I am promptly filling up Samuel's easter basket with extra stuff that I love.

But...the good thing about all of this is that I have consciously started to eat better. Less sugar/less fat/less bad carbs blah blah blah.

New Year...New Resolutions

This is the year that I pull everything back together.

My Career
My Goals
My Home
My Car
My Savings
My Health

As the weeks/months go on I will get into more detail about how I will accomplish all of this. Just sent Amber a text telling her that we need to hash out our goals over some booze. ;)

So I leave you with my New Year's Resolutions:

Some of these I have already started...others I am still thinking about, but it COULD happen in the near future.

1) Read at LEAST two books a month. If that means less t.v. and more reading then so be it. I will make it happen.

2) Become a vegetarian (still researching and thinking about this one)

3) Blog more. Jamie and I have already made a pact to encourage each other.

4) Never Ever go into another Wal-mart again. Ever.

5) Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.

more to come on all of this. promise.

What a decade

Wow...It is hard to believe it is almost over...don't worry, I am not complaining. Not.One.Bit.

Over the last decade I have

- gotten married
- gotten divorced
- graduated college
- became a parent
- survived cancer
- built my families home
- sold my families home
- came out of the closet
- gotten laid off
- started over

I almost have no words, but at least I am still breathing...right? That is a lot to happen in just 10 years of a person's life.

But you know what? I don't regret any of it. Some has been great and some have been the hardest things I have ever had to overcome, but I am thankful for it all.

Was talking to my dear friend Amber tonight about sitting down and mapping out this next decade. I will be taking her up on that offer.

2010 - New directions...New Goals.

Sounds amazing.

7 Random things

So I stole this from erin.

1) I am addicted to the food network and HGTV. I am not sure what my problem is really. My current favorite show is Chopped. and now that they are having a chopped championship...I am really addicted.

2) My phone is dying a very slow death. It randomly turns itself off and then back on at times. I have decided that it is either dying...or possed. Take your pick.

3) I am really REALLY into politics right now. Don't get me wrong.. I have always been into politics, but NOW..more than ever. I just get so irritated when people don't see/look at all the facts. The narrow-mindedness of the world may drive me crazy.

4) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a dad. More than anything in the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

5) I went to the Plano Balloon festival this weekend with Samuel. Who knew that hot air balloons could be so amazing?!?! I will be going every year.

6) I have never had the flu before, but I am CONVINCED that I will get it this year. Not sure why...just am. Vitamins every.single.day!

7) I am still looking for a church that I can call home. Not 100% yet on any... One will become a fit soon.

Being close to God

Tonight was a good night. I went to my friend Jim's wedding reception at this amazing hotel in Plano. I got to meet a lot of people that have influenced his life in many ways. There was one conversation that I had that I will not forget for a long long time. I can't remember the gentleman's name off the top of my head, but our conversation was centered around 'being close with God'.

You see, there was a distinct part of my life where I felt so close to God and a distinct part of my life where I didn't feel close to God at all. The years when I struggled with who I truly was as a person were those years that my relationship with God faded quickly.

God gave us two commandments. 1) Love your God with all your heart and 2) love your neighbor as yourself. The reason my relationship with God was strained was because I didn't love myself at all. I didn't accept who I was as a person and I feared what others would think of me.

I am so happy to be in a place in my life where my relationship with God is growing again. It has been many many years since it has been in a place where it has needed to be.

p.s. Congrats Jim and Bonnie! So proud of you guys...you two are an amazing couple and you have an amazing family.