Emotions

Not too long ago I blogged about not feeling and not crying as much as I used to...

This week it has been like a faucet...but I am glad. It shows that I have some feelings deep inside of me that are slowly but surely working their way out.

This has been one emotional week for me.

- Counseling has been challenging...a good challenging.
- The uncertainty of life and relationships and wishing I was a wizard so I could predict the future. ;)

Some things that I am thankful for this week.

- Was able to share openly and honestly with J. about my feelings. It made me anxious, but I am glad I was able to express them.
- Letting friends into what was going on this week. Usually I close off...this week I didn't.
- Journaling and blogging more. Like I mentioned earlier...it allows me to reflect.

A lot was processed this week and there is a lot more to come as I continue to take this journey...day by day.

Small Goals

Setting some small goals for myself.

Blog every day for 30 days. Doesn't have to be about anything specific..just to get my thoughts out there and in a format where I can reflect. And to be honest...this may happen more than once a day. I have a lot to say these days.

Sign up for a membership at the Local Yoga place by the end of October. This can be another self soothing option...and help with relaxing and to focus. And add a little exercise in there as well. :)

Sign up to volunteer somewhere by the end of October. I think it would be good for me to get involved with the community and in turn...may help make a few friends.

Being in a constant state of focusing and healing...I think these small goals will add to me getting stronger.

Self Soothing

Sounds sort of creepy huh?

To self sooth. Maybe it sounds creepy because I am not good at it. At all. When I get depressed or anxious or sad or mad...I have never been one to self sooth.

In the past I would always panic, not breathe and just fall into a mess.

Step by step I am working on this.

Remembering to take deeps breaths when I get worked up.
Going for a walk when I get sad.
Calling a friend to talk when I feel overwhelmed.
Sharing my story to strenghen bonds with people.

To be honest...it isn't easy to do something that is so unfamiliar. But I am excited about the process. Excited about healing.

When will it just become 'My Story'

I have a lot to share...some of you know bits and pieces, some of you do not know anything...yet others know more than they probably would like to know. :)

I was talking to a friend this week about where I am in life. In a phase where I am working on all the crap that I dealt with over the years, but looking forward to when that is resolved.

Decided to right down all of my resentments..focus on them. Write down how each of them make me feel. There are a number of them...just off the top of my head I can think of a few.

Exgay Counselor - Makes me feel disgusted. The abuse I went through during group therapy and individual sessions is beyond anything I would wish on anyone.

My Mom - Coming out when I was in the 8th grade and having to shove it back inside...and for not talking to me hardly at all since I have come out as an adult. I miss her a lot and it hurts.

Friends - I have had several friends..several close friends stop talking to me. I miss them at times, but know that better friends are in my future.

I will probably go into more detail as I go...discussing the impacts these resentments have had on me.

Even though there is not a timeframe really to this process...I am anxious to get to that day when all of these resentments change from being stuff I am resolving/working on/processing to simply 'My Story'.

You know more... you love more.

I have always said that one of the greatest needs in life is to be fully known and fully loved at the same time. Can you even imagine? Someone knowing all of your secrets (yes..even the dirty ones) and still loving you no matter what. Makes me a little nervous to even talk about it. I immediatly start biting my lip and talking out of the side of my mouth when I say it.

To be fully known AND fully loved.

It is hard and it is tricky. The bad part? It is SO cut and dry. For example... in theory it sounds good right? But how is it possible? In one brief instance in order to share your life (by 'life' I mean experiences, trials, accomplishments, etc.)with someone...you would have to give them all the great and gory details? It may be possible for some of you, but not this kid.

Scares me to death to even think about it.

But being scared is part of the process. This process or journey I am going through has a lot of steps to it. I have started to share my experiences with others (jason, counselor, friends, etc), started blogging again, started feeling again (slowly but surely).

I still want to 'be fully known and fully loved"...that hasn't gone away...but it doesn't come at the snap of a finger. It comes along with the process. As people "know more...they can love more".

Whether or not they choose to love me more due to the information they are given is their choice...I can't help that.

But this is my journey in life. And I can't wait for you to know more...and in return...to love more.

I'm Back.

So it has been a year. Well...actually a year and about three months since my last post. I dissapeared for awhile. Not from life...but from my feelings. Over the past two decades of my life I have slowly but surely pushed them away. To the point where I just didn't feel anymore. Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

Scary when you think about it. And sad at the same time.

But that is why I left the blog. I started to feel. I got scared. and I ran away.

Can't do that anymore...

Reading back at some of the things I posted about are pretty intense. Earlier today I looked back at thoughts on being a gay dad. I am working on getting back to that point. Working on feeling.

It is time to complete my story.

Is it really March 2nd already?

So I am hear to give an update on the New Years Resolutions...

1) Read at LEAST two books a month. If that means less t.v. and more reading then so be it. I will make it happen.

I am totally sucking at this one. I have started two books...but have yet to finish two books a month.

2) Become a vegetarian (still researching and thinking about this one)

um...so...I can say that I have become 'more' of a vegetarian, but I don't think I will ever FULLFLEDGE become one. I will probably just eat less meat and choose healthier options.

3) Blog more. Jamie and I have already made a pact to encourage each other.

yeah...no comment on this one.

4) Never Ever go into another Wal-mart again. Ever.

I am totally rocking on this one. Haven't even stepped foot in one!

5) Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.

blah. not very successful at this either. but I will get there.


So those are the NYR updates... here is a life update.

Jamie convinced me to give up something for lent. Neither one of us are catholic, but we decided to do it anyway. She gave up drinking alone (which she travels A LOT by herself, so drinking alone happens A LOT) and I decided to give up dessert. For two reasons 1) for Jesus (obviously..it is lent btw) and 2) because I had my annual blood work done at the dr and he said my glucose was high. A little piece of me actually died when I told her what I had chosen to give up for lent.

This started two weeks ago. I haven't had even a PIECE OF CANDY for two weeks. Not one piece.

Needless to say..I can not wait until Easter. I am promptly filling up Samuel's easter basket with extra stuff that I love.

But...the good thing about all of this is that I have consciously started to eat better. Less sugar/less fat/less bad carbs blah blah blah.