A Blog of His Own

You think I'm happy?

2011-11-07T11:22:00.000-06:00

"I dare not hope - but, when he looks at me,
Something half-shy, half-trusting, leaps therein
And shadows of dead passion and old sin
All dreadful haunting memories, take flight -
You think I'm happy? Well - Perhaps you're
right!" - F.S. Woodley

For me. If I am going to be completely honest...there is a LOT of old stuff. '...shadows of dead passion and old sin...' haunted me all the time. Past tense here because I am working through all of that...daily.

But inspite of all that...I am happy. Because "when he looks as me' all of the messes "take flight".

This month I am thankful for two things.

1) Healing
2) Love

Goal Update

2011-10-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

Clearly yesterday was a crazy day at work...which turned into a crazy work night. which then got me side tracked and I didn't blog last night. SO...within the next two days I am going to try and squeeze in an extra blog so I can make up for it.

Getting to the home stretch of all of my goals for October.

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Besides the little miscounting incident that happened last week I am really proud of this goal and how it turned out.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - I get paid tomorrow night. so this weekend I am going to sign up for the November beginner series at the yoga sport near my house. The october beginner series already started and didn't match up with my October budget, but I am able to sign up for the November beginner series with my October paycheck. Very excited about this.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - This is still the same. Before most places allow you to volunteer they require you to attend an orientation. I am glad I was able to sign up.

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Samuel is active...very very very active. Makes this a fun goal!

Now it is time to start thinking about my November goals. Nothing crazy... just want to be able to check some items off the list. Be on the look out for those.

True character

2011-10-25T14:26:00.000-05:00

"I pray our true character as men overshadow the hardships themselves. I am thankful to have you in the good and the bad."

I read this quote quite often. I keep it handy in a place that reminds me to read it.

Do you ever do that? Keep things that someone says to you? I don't keep everything...in all honesty I am not a 'keeper'. But I do keep anything that speaks to my heart in a way that it never has before. Like what people said here. Or what jamie said here.

Back to the quote at the top... I tear up almost every time I read it. Not because it makes me sad but because of its truth. Our true character will always always always 'overshadow the hardships themselves' as long as we remain vulnerable. As long as we continue to speak truth. As long as we continue to be open. And as long as we continue to dive deeper.

Moving beyond the box

2011-10-24T23:12:00.000-05:00

I described a box once. This little box that for years I trapped my feelings inside of. I sort of described it here. Where I would only allow myself to get so sad..or so happy.

It is interesting to see my feelings move way beyond the box. It is both exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because it feels great. Laughing more is amazing. Crying more is freeing. Scary because I am now vulnerable...and that is just the nature of the beast when it comes to being vulnerable.

but you know what?

Being vulnerable with the people you love and love you in return... that moment when it happens. If you have experienced it you know what I am talking about. but that moment where your vulnerability brings you so much closer to the person you love. It is tender. It is organic. it is deep.

Being hard on myself

2011-10-23T18:36:00.000-05:00

So I miss counted... I thought I completed my 30 post goal...but I didn't. only 25. yikes. Must have counted a screen of the blogs twice.

So yesterday you didn't see a blog because a) I thought my goal was up and b) I didn't write one.

but I am not going to be hard on myself. I have done that for way too long. I am just going to pick up where I left off and complete the goal. no big deal. I am getting better at that really. Better at not beating myself up and being hard on myself.

For so long...and probably as long as I can remember... I felt like I had to be the strong one. By 'strong', I don't mean tough or mean. I mean solid...constant...steady. If I faltered even the slightest bit on anything I would literally beat myself up. wow...thinking back...this in and of itself is one of the biggest reasons I suffered from depression.

Over the past several months I have learned that it is okay for me not to be strong. It is okay to show my weaknesses. That is a huge aspect of being vulnerable. Being open. Being honest.

Blogging

2011-10-21T14:50:00.000-05:00

I have enjoyed the blogging goal I set for myself. I needed a jump start to blogging more often.

Once this goal has ended I will probably not blog every day. But I want this to be a constant. A place where I can share my story. A place to reflect on what is going on in my life. A place where people can read and know that they are not the only ones with truths they would like to share and in turn be set free.

Have several more days until my goal has ended...but when that goal is over I am not going anywhere.

Change

2011-10-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Most people...and I am totally assuming here...do not like change. It disrupts the norm and makes people uncomfortable because it takes them out of their comfort zone. It removes their constant.

I on the other hand...Love change. It challenges. It strengthens. It evolves. It grows. It heals. It opens doors. It reveals. It humbles.

I am not going to lie and say that change doesn't make me nervous. Always has and could only guess that it always will. But I have always seen the benefit in change.

Life is constantly changing. We are changing. I am changing.

What I know for sure

2011-10-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things I know for sure.

- I know I am a good dad. Even though I worry about this a lot.
- I know I am good at my job.
- I know that all my years of ex-gay counseling caused huge issues in my life.
- I know that going to counseling has enabled me to work through issues I have never worked through before. It is exciting to actually see the walls I have built up over the years crumble down around me.
- I know I am gay and will continue to learn about what it means to be a gay man.
- I know that being gay is not dirty or lustful.
- I know that when you 'know more you love more'.
- I know that there are people in this world who love me because of the above.
- I know I have to trust my intuition and to always follow that.
- I know that the actions I have done in my past have caused harm to people I love.
- I know that it is important to feel and when feelings dissapear help is needed.
- I know that foregiveness is possible.
- I know to be vulnerable I have to be open and honest.
- I know that life is not always easy.
- I know that I have a story to tell and that there are people who need to hear it.
- I know that I will be okay.

Lack of words

2011-10-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

so.. I was waiting for this day to come.

the day where I am not sure what to write...I was waiting for it. anticipating its arrival. to be honest... I figured it would come sooner than this.

When I set this goal to blog for 30 days I never wanted anything to be forced, so I am not going to start now. That isn't authentic.

So I leave you with my favorite quote by my favorite author.

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - C.S. Lewis

It means a lot.

'distinct among others'

2011-10-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

Over the past several months different words have had an impact on me.

I have touched on some of these recently...
Quality

Deeper

Vulnerable

One I want to write about but haven't had the chance to...
Authentic

One I want to talk about today...
Special

My favorite definition is

Distinct among others of a kind

I have been thinking about this word a lot lately and it hits on a couple of areas.

1) Making sure my needs are met so that I feel special. This is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc.) The people I have in my life.. are they making me feel special...important...are they making me feel 'distinct among others'. I know this looks a little different depending on the type of relationship, but that is the key phrase here. Do their words and actions have a positive influence on my life. But at the same time...when it doesn't happen...how can I communicate this in a healthy way, because they are in my life for a reason and I want to always remain open.

2) Making sure that the people I love and care about feel special and that I am able to meet their needs in whatever capacity that looks like. Again...this is in all relationships (significant other, family, friends, etc). Do my actions and the words that come out of my mouth make them feel special. I want this to always be in the forefront of my mind...to always make them feel 'distinct among others'.

I want this to become 2nd nature.

Goal Update

2011-10-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

Since it is the middle of the month I wanted to give a goal update.

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Still going strong. 17 days and counting...

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - Ok... this one has changed a bit again. Originally I decided yoga...then I went to a personal trainer...but I am going back to yoga again. I will sign up for a beginners series before the month is over.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - I signed up to do a new volunteer orientation the first thursday in November at the resource center of dallas. See what they need help with.. still looking for others as well.

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Status - I really like this goal a lot. It has been fun thinking of different stuff to do with samuel. even if it is just going outside and bouncing a basketball back and fourth.

The truth will set you free

2011-10-15T16:40:00.000-05:00

After reading some of my blog posts I wanted to make sure I made something pretty clear...because after reading some of them I can see how some people could misinterpret.

It is true that I went through ex-gay therapy for years not to be gay. I tried really really hard not to be. But I am no longer struggling with the issue of my sexuality. When I decided to get a divorce..at the same time I decided to come out to everyone I knew as well.

The reason I am blogging and going to counseling is not because I am conflicted on being a gay man...that isn't the case at all. I am blogging and going to counseling to work on all the damage that was caused in my life by all of the unhealthy ex-gay counseling.

A lot of damage was done over the years that resulted in walls being built, feelings being turned off and me not being able to live like the person I was created to be.

This blog. The counseling I am going through. Being open. Being honest. Not hiding. Letting go of secrets. Letting go of the shame. Refusing to be scared.

That is living my truth.

"I have never known an instance where anybody was able to let go of a secret and shame...and not be better off with their lives." - Oprah

Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 3

2011-10-14T17:34:00.000-05:00

For so many years I hid. From something. Hid from being gay, hid from hurt, hid from my feelings, hid from hurting others, hid from life...

Not really a life worth living is it? When I stop to think about it I realize how sad that is to me.

For so many years I was scared. Scared of what people thought of me for who I was. Scared that I would be perceived as weak. Scared to feel because it may cause me to break down.

One of the key factors...I think anyway...to being vulnerable, is Living my Truth. No more hiding. No more being scared. Just simply...living as the person I was created to be...no matter what.

I am committed to living great truths. To not hiding. To being me.

"you know more..you love more"

So much

2011-10-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

I told samuel the other day that I love him so much. He looked at me and asked in his little smirk..."daddy, what does 'so much' mean?"

I told him that so much means that I not only love him with all of my heart, but all the way deep into the bottom. He looked and smiled and started watching The Avengers again.

I believe it is important to tell and share your feelings with the people you love. I think I have always known this and in most cases in my past have voiced it, but actions do speak so much louder than words.

The people I care deeply (there is that word again) for...I want them to know how special they are to me. I want them to know how important they are to me. I want them to know the 'so much'.

Coming Out: Take 2

2011-10-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

Yeah... you read the title right. I actually came out twice... the first time happened like this.

The 2nd time... happened several years later.

It took me awhile to come out. I grew up in a southern baptist home. I went to a southern baptist church. I went to a southern baptist college. I was married in a southern baptist church. Are you getting the picture?

Basically I was raised that this was not natural/normal...that it could be fixed, that if I prayed hard enough that it would go away. As the years went on and as I tried to 'fix' the 'issue' the joy from my life gradually faded away...and walls started to be built.

So I was at a cross point... coming out would require a lot of things to happen.

- Get a divorce.
- Move out of my families home.
- Only have my son half the time.
- Friends moving on
- Leave a church family
- Impacting my parents/siblings

This all came to a head the later part of 2007. After many years of ex-gay therapy, many years of denying who I was, many years of being in a unhealthy marriage I had to say something. I had to come out...for myself.

It happened on the floor in my home in forney. I was depressed/sad/angry...my wife at the time repeatedly started to ask me what was wrong. With tears in my eyes...and not knowing what outcome or impact this would have on my life I said the words "I am gay".

What happened the rest of that evening is sort of a blur now, but what I voiced that night was at that point...the truest thing I have ever allowed myself to do.

Since then I have had the ability to work on myself...overcoming the walls that have been built. Feeling joy like I have never felt before. Feeling a love so deep that it is beyond measure.

Feels good to feel again.

Ex Ex Gay

2011-10-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

For years I went through ex-gay therapy. From 2002 to right at the end of 2007. For those of you who do not know what this is...in short...it is a type of therapy where they try to make you straight. During those years I did many things to try to make this work...by 'this' I mean..make the gay go away.

Counselors
Group Therapy
Group Discussions
Books..many many books
Celebrate recovery
Every Man's Battle Conference

Wow..seems like the list is never ending. There are many thoughts and feelings going on in my head right now about this type of therapy. It really did take a traumatic toll on my life.

When I think back of all the years I went through to try to fix a problem that wasn't even a problem in the first place makes me very sad...very angry.

I was talking to my counselor yesterday about how I would like to be an advocate for people that have suffered this same path. I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to the opportunity when it arises.

Thankful

2011-10-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful.

For healing. For Truth. For being couragous. For Samuel. For J. For overcoming. For Love. For healthy counseling. For my best friends. For Openness. For Laughter. For smiles. For the ability to cry. For Feelings. For honesty.

I cried this evening. Not because I am sad, but because I am overcoming and it is empowering.

You see... I thought my life was stuck. That there was no way I would ever be able to work through the stuff I have been through...more or less overcome them.

Today. I am thankful.

Thoughts on being vulnerable: Take 2

2011-10-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

As I blog more I want to dive a little deeper into some of the items I reference.

In the first blog on being vulnerable...one of the things I have put into place to make this happen is acknowledging my feelings.

So what does it mean to actually acknowledge my feelings? I think there are multiple levels of this.

A) Exactly what is says. If I am sad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am happy...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. If I am mad...accept that, let it happen because it is okay. Pretty simple...right?

B) Actually feeling these feelings. This is where it can get a bit tougher. For example..in the past when I felt sad..I would let myself be sad...but I built this wall to only allow myself to get so sad. Or mad, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. Or even in the other direction...happy, joyous, etc. It is like I lived in this constant state of even kill.

Just like I referenced back in June...

Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

What kind of life is that? To not allow myself to feel deeply. Doesn't allow me that deep connection with people and in return...doesn't allow others to have that deep connection with me.

The process is not the easiest of efforts. In most cases I process through them just fine, but in the cases where I feel a little overwhelmed or anxious I go back to the steps I have in place to deal with it.

The results are good...Over the past several months I have cried more than I have cried in a long time, I have laughed more than I have laughed in years and the smile part...well I am pretty sure j. gives me a funny every time he sees the silly grin that is constantly planted on my face :).

Just Breathe.

2011-10-08T19:00:00.001-05:00

I was thinking this morning as I was bringing samuel to his soccer game of all of the self soothing things I am able to do...for a number of reasons.

When I get overwelmed...one of the things I sometimes forget to do is breathe. To just simply breathe. Knowing now...that focusing on this one thing when I get anxious or nervous can make a HUGE impact in how I can handle any situation.

I realized something in the car this morning that I thought was pretty funny and immediatly jotted it down because I wanted to blog about it... That when I get anxious and I remind myself to breath...that ever.single.time I do it... a part of the movie Ever After with drew barrymore appears in my mind.

Check it out here...

Ever After: Trailer

If you haven't seen the movie or if you do not want to watch the entire thing, just skip to around 1:32. She is walking into the ball and reminds herself to 'breathe, just breathe'.

I am not kidding when I say that everytime that I remind myself to breathe that this part of the movie comes to mind.

Made me laugh out loud a bit when I actually thought about it. but hey..whatever works...right?

Thoughts on being vulnerable.

2011-10-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

Brainstorming here...so please don't mind the sparatic post. Afterall...these are the thoughts coming out of my head. :)

Vulnerable. Being Vulnerable. Scary to think about, but SO important to overcome this fear for the sake of any meaningful relationship.

For years I didn't allow this to happen. Not even an ounce of vulnerability would show through my skin. When I think back...this started when I went through that bout of depression back in college. It was a rough time back then and it scared me to death and I was determined to never let myself get to that state again.

but you know what? it lead to some crappy stuff. not feeling, no emotions, no deep relationships...you get the picture?

So over the past several months I have been working on this fear of mine. This fear of being vulnerable. I know where it came from, so that is a start. Past experiences, past issues, bad counseling, not living my truth.

things I have put into play to make this happen. things that are allowing me to be more vulnerable.

Opening up - in all aspects of my life. have nothing to hide. "you know more you love more"

Living my Truth - Exactly what it means. No hiding. Living as the person I was created to be.

Acknowledging my feelings - always. always. always.

Letting go of the fear - pushing myself to let it go.

Trusting - in people. that they will love me more because of my truth.

Quantity vs. Quality - misery loves company...right? 'cleaning house' and focusing on the quality of people. Being around people who encourage me. see the best in me. who love me.

Goal Update!

2011-10-06T16:32:00.000-05:00

Periodically I want to jot down the status of my goals for the month. Keep it in the forefront of my mind (not that it isn't already, but you know what I mean).

Original Goal #1: Blog everyday for 30 days.

Status - Still going strong. Feels good to get my thoughts out and like I have said before...a way for me to reflect. I like it.

Original Goal #2 - Sign up for a membership at a local yoga place.

Status - This one has changed a bit... instead of yoga I have signed up with a personal trainer. Wish me luck... I think I just made getting in shape a little more painful.

Original Goal #3 - Volunteer somewhere.

Status - Still haven't volunteered anywhere, but I am looking not just to volunteer once. I am looking to make this a commitment going forward. I want to find a place where my skills can be utilized. More to come on this...

New Goal #4 - Every time I have samuel...we do something active.

Status - So far so good. Not that we haven't done active stuff in the past. To be honest... I am a pretty active dad. Always on the go..to the park, museum, zoo, putt putt, etc. But I want it to be a little more than that. I want to do at least one physically active thing with samuel every time I have him. I think it is important for him and it is probably even more important for me. Yesterday instead of driving to whole foods samuel and I justed walked. Well..I walked...samuel was on his scooter. :)

I have also decided that this will be something I do at the beginning of every month. Set a few goals for myself. Doesn't have to be anything crazy or difficult. Just some things that will impact the quality of my life.

Deeper

2011-10-05T15:57:00.000-05:00

This word 'Deeper' that I have been using a lot lately...here, here, here, and here.

Using it in coversations with people, in writings on my blog, noticing it in my reading...

It means many things. The word Deep, but this is the one I think fits me best.

To a great depth; with depth; far down; profoundly; deeply.

So what does it mean really... more importantly...what does it mean when these things actually happen. To me it means there is a strong hold; a connection that is solid; it means Truth; Openness; vulnerability; Strength, it means support.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper love I am feeling. That not only is the love all encompassing, but goes to great depths...involves great truths, openness and vulnerability.

Those are the words that I think of when I am explaining the deeper relationships with people. That not only is the relationship meaningful, but it is profound. It is needed. It is quality.

Quality vs. Quantity

2011-10-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

I have been focusing on this the past couple of days. Quality vs. Quantity. What does that even mean really?

So you have the quantity part...
More Friends
More Money
More Time
you get the picture...

Seems like for years these are the things I have been talking about...have been wanting. If I could just have more friends that lived closer. If I could just have a little more money to do the things I want. If I could just have a little more time so the weekends could be longer. More, more, more.

The quantity of it all.

It is so exhausting to think about...to write about. I can't do that anymore. Wears me out just thinking about it.

I have started focusing on the quality. The close friends I do have (in dallas and away)...cultivate those and make them deeper (side note..I have been using the word 'deeper' a lot lately...i like it). The money I do have...use it wisely and for necessity. I have plenty to cover my needs. The time I do have...make it count to the very last second (whether I am spending time focusing on me or spending time with others).

Since I came out several years ago I have been so focused on quantity that I have ignored the quality. Looking forward to focusing on the quality so much more.

"because my feelings say so"

2011-10-03T11:51:00.001-05:00

My counselor wanted me to read this book called Common Sons by Ronald Donaghe.

In short, it is about these two boys who fall in love and what they have to go through in facing that feeling. It is completely fictional. Completed romantic. And not the typical book that I would usually read.

but... I like it. a lot. None of the characters are exactly like me, but I do see myself in a lot of their characteristics. For example; Tom is raised in church and working through the struggles of faith and how it ties into being gay. For years I struggled with that...for it to make sense. It isn't a struggle per say...for me anymore...because I do not think they are mutually exclusive.

but anyway... there is a quote in the book that I read this morning.. that I had to read again.

It wasn't lust after all. How could it be? Joel loves me, he thought, and because Joel had promised that Tom could trust him, and because he accepted the truth of that promise without question he felt, just then, as if a wall inside of him had been razed. I am a homosexual, because my feelings say so. And, he thought happily, it isn't lust. That was a dirty little lie he had allowed other peole to put into his head, he concluded. It was love between them.

For YEARS I had to live with people telling me that dirty little lie. That the thoughts I have are simply lust. Counselors, Friends, Family, books, groups. they all said the same thing.

So I may be getting kind of deep here...and please excuse the possible randomness of this entry...

It isn't lust. It isn't just a random urge or craving that happens to be there from time to time.

For years people told me..in some form or fashion that this was simply just lust. So that is how I interpreted it. Like what I talked about here... that it was something I had to hide. Or keep secret. that it was shady...or seedy.

The feelings I have as a homosexual. They are not lust. They are feelings of love that encompass my entire heart...but more importantly...go deep within it.

No Secrets

2011-10-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

The title really does say it all.

What does a secret even mean?

To me it means...to hide. to cover up. to withhold.

I have found out first hand how damaging this can be in all relationships; partners, friends, family, etc. It weakens the bond so much that eventually it will cause destruction. Trust is damaged. Communication turns to silence. Security is squashed. Friendships can't even be born.

There are a lot of things over the past few months that I have put into place to help with my relationships. One of them being..no secrets. Being truly open and honest about everything. Can be as little as how my day at work went...to as big as the struggles going on inside of my head.

I am not saying this is an easy thing to do. A fear that you will still be loved. A fear that you will still be respected. A fear of someone getting mad. A fear of someone running away. In some cases all of these things may happen. It is a fact of life really...

I think the fears are normal, but I have to push through that to have the meaningful deep relationships I have always wanted/needed.

After all...You know more you love more...right?

Dealing with it...

2011-09-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

Ever since I first dealt with being nervous/anxious/depressed back in college I realized that all of it goes directly to my stomach.

That was what? 12 years ago... Nothing has changed really..in the fact that my stomach still will hurt, or that I will have to go to the bathroom more (sorry..but it is the truth), or that I can't eat, or that when I do want to eat nothing sounds good... Nope. that hasn't changed a bit.

What has changed is how I deal with this when it happens. And believe me.. it is still a work in progress and will probably always be a work in progress.

I have learned:
- That if I take really deep breaths when I feel anxious my stomach doesn't hurt so bad.
- That if I open up to a friend...a true friend...they will call me and give me a hug over the phone. Thanks jamie.
- That if I go for a walk it will allow me to process in a healthy way and to refocus.

Doesn't make the pain, fear, sadness, etc go away, but it does allow me to focus on them in a different light. In a way that will allow me to heal and not run. In a way that will allow me to get stronger and not give up. In a way that will allow me to be comfortable with who I am and not hide.

Emotions

2011-09-29T17:54:00.001-05:00

Not too long ago I blogged about not feeling and not crying as much as I used to...

This week it has been like a faucet...but I am glad. It shows that I have some feelings deep inside of me that are slowly but surely working their way out.

This has been one emotional week for me.

- Counseling has been challenging...a good challenging.
- The uncertainty of life and relationships and wishing I was a wizard so I could predict the future. ;)

Some things that I am thankful for this week.

- Was able to share openly and honestly with J. about my feelings. It made me anxious, but I am glad I was able to express them.
- Letting friends into what was going on this week. Usually I close off...this week I didn't.
- Journaling and blogging more. Like I mentioned earlier...it allows me to reflect.

A lot was processed this week and there is a lot more to come as I continue to take this journey...day by day.

Small Goals

2011-09-29T11:36:00.001-05:00

Setting some small goals for myself.

Blog every day for 30 days. Doesn't have to be about anything specific..just to get my thoughts out there and in a format where I can reflect. And to be honest...this may happen more than once a day. I have a lot to say these days.

Sign up for a membership at the Local Yoga place by the end of October. This can be another self soothing option...and help with relaxing and to focus. And add a little exercise in there as well. :)

Sign up to volunteer somewhere by the end of October. I think it would be good for me to get involved with the community and in turn...may help make a few friends.

Being in a constant state of focusing and healing...I think these small goals will add to me getting stronger.

Self Soothing

2011-09-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

Sounds sort of creepy huh?

To self sooth. Maybe it sounds creepy because I am not good at it. At all. When I get depressed or anxious or sad or mad...I have never been one to self sooth.

In the past I would always panic, not breathe and just fall into a mess.

Step by step I am working on this.

Remembering to take deeps breaths when I get worked up.
Going for a walk when I get sad.
Calling a friend to talk when I feel overwhelmed.
Sharing my story to strenghen bonds with people.

To be honest...it isn't easy to do something that is so unfamiliar. But I am excited about the process. Excited about healing.

When will it just become 'My Story'

2011-09-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to share...some of you know bits and pieces, some of you do not know anything...yet others know more than they probably would like to know. :)

I was talking to a friend this week about where I am in life. In a phase where I am working on all the crap that I dealt with over the years, but looking forward to when that is resolved.

Decided to right down all of my resentments..focus on them. Write down how each of them make me feel. There are a number of them...just off the top of my head I can think of a few.

Exgay Counselor - Makes me feel disgusted. The abuse I went through during group therapy and individual sessions is beyond anything I would wish on anyone.

My Mom - Coming out when I was in the 8th grade and having to shove it back inside...and for not talking to me hardly at all since I have come out as an adult. I miss her a lot and it hurts.

Friends - I have had several friends..several close friends stop talking to me. I miss them at times, but know that better friends are in my future.

I will probably go into more detail as I go...discussing the impacts these resentments have had on me.

Even though there is not a timeframe really to this process...I am anxious to get to that day when all of these resentments change from being stuff I am resolving/working on/processing to simply 'My Story'.

You know more... you love more.

2011-06-13T15:05:00.002-05:00

I have always said that one of the greatest needs in life is to be fully known and fully loved at the same time. Can you even imagine? Someone knowing all of your secrets (yes..even the dirty ones) and still loving you no matter what. Makes me a little nervous to even talk about it. I immediatly start biting my lip and talking out of the side of my mouth when I say it.

To be fully known AND fully loved.

It is hard and it is tricky. The bad part? It is SO cut and dry. For example... in theory it sounds good right? But how is it possible? In one brief instance in order to share your life (by 'life' I mean experiences, trials, accomplishments, etc.)with someone...you would have to give them all the great and gory details? It may be possible for some of you, but not this kid.

Scares me to death to even think about it.

But being scared is part of the process. This process or journey I am going through has a lot of steps to it. I have started to share my experiences with others (jason, counselor, friends, etc), started blogging again, started feeling again (slowly but surely).

I still want to 'be fully known and fully loved"...that hasn't gone away...but it doesn't come at the snap of a finger. It comes along with the process. As people "know more...they can love more".

Whether or not they choose to love me more due to the information they are given is their choice...I can't help that.

But this is my journey in life. And I can't wait for you to know more...and in return...to love more.

I'm Back.

2011-06-06T20:44:00.003-05:00

So it has been a year. Well...actually a year and about three months since my last post. I dissapeared for awhile. Not from life...but from my feelings. Over the past two decades of my life I have slowly but surely pushed them away. To the point where I just didn't feel anymore. Didn't cry as much as I used to. Didn't laugh as much as I wanted to. Didn't smile as often as I should have.

Scary when you think about it. And sad at the same time.

But that is why I left the blog. I started to feel. I got scared. and I ran away.

Can't do that anymore...

Reading back at some of the things I posted about are pretty intense. Earlier today I looked back at thoughts on being a gay dad. I am working on getting back to that point. Working on feeling.

It is time to complete my story.

Is it really March 2nd already?

2010-03-02T13:27:00.002-06:00

So I am hear to give an update on the New Years Resolutions...

1) Read at LEAST two books a month. If that means less t.v. and more reading then so be it. I will make it happen.

I am totally sucking at this one. I have started two books...but have yet to finish two books a month.

2) Become a vegetarian (still researching and thinking about this one)

um...so...I can say that I have become 'more' of a vegetarian, but I don't think I will ever FULLFLEDGE become one. I will probably just eat less meat and choose healthier options.

3) Blog more. Jamie and I have already made a pact to encourage each other.

yeah...no comment on this one.

4) Never Ever go into another Wal-mart again. Ever.

I am totally rocking on this one. Haven't even stepped foot in one!

5) Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.

blah. not very successful at this either. but I will get there.

So those are the NYR updates... here is a life update.

Jamie convinced me to give up something for lent. Neither one of us are catholic, but we decided to do it anyway. She gave up drinking alone (which she travels A LOT by herself, so drinking alone happens A LOT) and I decided to give up dessert. For two reasons 1) for Jesus (obviously..it is lent btw) and 2) because I had my annual blood work done at the dr and he said my glucose was high. A little piece of me actually died when I told her what I had chosen to give up for lent.

This started two weeks ago. I haven't had even a PIECE OF CANDY for two weeks. Not one piece.

Needless to say..I can not wait until Easter. I am promptly filling up Samuel's easter basket with extra stuff that I love.

But...the good thing about all of this is that I have consciously started to eat better. Less sugar/less fat/less bad carbs blah blah blah.

New Year...New Resolutions

2010-01-20T22:02:00.003-06:00

This is the year that I pull everything back together.

My Career
My Goals
My Home
My Car
My Savings
My Health

As the weeks/months go on I will get into more detail about how I will accomplish all of this. Just sent Amber a text telling her that we need to hash out our goals over some booze. ;)

So I leave you with my New Year's Resolutions:

Some of these I have already started...others I am still thinking about, but it COULD happen in the near future.

1) Read at LEAST two books a month. If that means less t.v. and more reading then so be it. I will make it happen.

2) Become a vegetarian (still researching and thinking about this one)

3) Blog more. Jamie and I have already made a pact to encourage each other.

4) Never Ever go into another Wal-mart again. Ever.

5) Do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.

more to come on all of this. promise.

What a decade

2009-12-30T22:37:00.002-06:00

Wow...It is hard to believe it is almost over...don't worry, I am not complaining. Not.One.Bit.

Over the last decade I have

- gotten married
- gotten divorced
- graduated college
- became a parent
- survived cancer
- built my families home
- sold my families home
- came out of the closet
- gotten laid off
- started over

I almost have no words, but at least I am still breathing...right? That is a lot to happen in just 10 years of a person's life.

But you know what? I don't regret any of it. Some has been great and some have been the hardest things I have ever had to overcome, but I am thankful for it all.

Was talking to my dear friend Amber tonight about sitting down and mapping out this next decade. I will be taking her up on that offer.

2010 - New directions...New Goals.

Sounds amazing.

7 Random things

2009-08-11T14:25:00.002-05:00

So I stole this from erin.

1) I am addicted to the food network and HGTV. I am not sure what my problem is really. My current favorite show is Chopped. and now that they are having a chopped championship...I am really addicted.

2) My phone is dying a very slow death. It randomly turns itself off and then back on at times. I have decided that it is either dying...or possed. Take your pick.

3) I am really REALLY into politics right now. Don't get me wrong.. I have always been into politics, but NOW..more than ever. I just get so irritated when people don't see/look at all the facts. The narrow-mindedness of the world may drive me crazy.

4) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a dad. More than anything in the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

5) I went to the Plano Balloon festival this weekend with Samuel. Who knew that hot air balloons could be so amazing?!?! I will be going every year.

6) I have never had the flu before, but I am CONVINCED that I will get it this year. Not sure why...just am. Vitamins every.single.day!

7) I am still looking for a church that I can call home. Not 100% yet on any... One will become a fit soon.

Being close to God

2009-08-01T22:12:00.003-05:00

Tonight was a good night. I went to my friend Jim's wedding reception at this amazing hotel in Plano. I got to meet a lot of people that have influenced his life in many ways. There was one conversation that I had that I will not forget for a long long time. I can't remember the gentleman's name off the top of my head, but our conversation was centered around 'being close with God'.

You see, there was a distinct part of my life where I felt so close to God and a distinct part of my life where I didn't feel close to God at all. The years when I struggled with who I truly was as a person were those years that my relationship with God faded quickly.

God gave us two commandments. 1) Love your God with all your heart and 2) love your neighbor as yourself. The reason my relationship with God was strained was because I didn't love myself at all. I didn't accept who I was as a person and I feared what others would think of me.

I am so happy to be in a place in my life where my relationship with God is growing again. It has been many many years since it has been in a place where it has needed to be.

p.s. Congrats Jim and Bonnie! So proud of you guys...you two are an amazing couple and you have an amazing family.

Revealing your secrets

2009-06-29T16:43:00.003-05:00

A good friend of mine shared some detailed information about his past the other day. Details that he is not proud of....at all. He went on to tell me that he has only shared this information with very few people. Three to be exact..counting me. I could tell in his writing that he was hesitant about sharing, not because he didn't want to tell me, but because sharing it makes him feel awful inside. The fear that others will look differently upon you. Those of you that have that deep dark secret hiddon inside know what I am talking about.

I went on to share this with him:

"first...I want you to know with out a doubt in your mind that anything you tell me...anything. whether personal or shared I will always respect you more for it and love you more because of it."

My life is FULL of crazy things that I am neither proud nor happy about.

I am just me...a boy from 'the groves' trying to figure out my own life, but along the way I have figured out that we (and by 'we' I mean everyone) were all created from dust, all of us do not deserve anything that God has given us. We are all one stupid decision away from being that drug dealer, that unwed mom, the kid stealing a candy bar or two from the grocery store.

Life is HARD and I in no way can pretend that it isn't.

We all have those secrets. Every.single.one.of.us. but that is what makes us human and capable of God's Love.

I promise I am not that HORRIBLE of a blogger...promise.

2009-06-24T21:38:00.002-05:00

So..I just got a text from my friend jim. It reads "LIAR..you said you would blog once a week and it has been almost a month!" He is so right...so very right. I don't have an excuse...except well 'life'. But that is beside the point. I promised myself that I would get my thoughts out and this is the avenue I chose and I promise I will stick with it. promise.

Speaking of Jim..such a good guy. You know...he is my ONLY straight GUY friend that I talk to about life in general? And by 'life' I mean work, family, BOYS, etc. You see, he is the only STRAIGHT GUY I know that actually tries to understand my 'past, present and future' and at the same time loves me more for it.

You may have noticed by now that I keep stressing the STRAIGHT GUY part. Well, to be honest I have some girlfriends that I can vent to and talk about life with and a few gay friends, but not STRAIGHT GUY friends. Only one...and his name is jim. You would like him.

You see, and I hope he doesn't mind me sharing, but I met Jim at a weekend group thing called Every Man's Battle. He happened to be in my small group and we clicked almost instantly. I am sure it was because in the back of our minds we were wondering 'what the hell are we doing here', but we trudged along.

I didn't come out to Jim at first...actually, I didn't come out to Jim at all. He actually figured it out on his own, but I am pretty sure it was self 'sabatoge' on my part. I wanted him to know, but at the same time I knew he was straight and like any other guy coming out to his friends it is the straight guys you are most scared to come out to. Randomly one day jim sent me a text asking if my 'issue' was with guys and not girls. From that point forward I have been completely honest with him about everything.

I appreciate jim more than you know, more than I can express in this blog or with any words that can come out of my mouth.

Thank you jim for always being supportive, for always making me think, and for loving me no matter what.

Love you bud.

If I were a bee

2009-06-01T11:36:00.004-05:00

Samuel and I rent movies all of the time. I like movies and I think that interest of mine is rubbing off on the little guy. We are fans of the 'redbox' located at various places around the neighborhood. You can rent a movie for only a $1! You only get it for one night, but they have a good selection..especially for the little ones.

Saturday we rented Bee Movie and midway through I had this little discussion with samuel.

Samuel: Daddy, I want to be a bee.
Daddy: Why?
Samuel: So I can sting people.
Daddy: *ponders for a second*
Daddy: Me too.

I love conversations with samuel for several reasons, but mostly because

a) there is complete honesty...with no filter
and
b) see reason a.

You see...some people do drive me to the point where I wish I could just sting them back into reality.

For example:

Someone deciding whether or not they want to delete me from their facebook because they feel that having me as a friend would mean they are 'approving' of my life style.

That is just absurd.

I believe people are missing the point all together. Whether you agree or disagree you are still supposed to love.

Step 1: Love the person
Step 2: That is completely up to you, but deleting me from your life is rediculous.

I know I know

2009-05-20T21:28:00.002-05:00

I know it has been awhile since my last post. I swear to you that my life has been going 90 to nothing the past...what...15 days since my last post. My goal is to have a post up at the very least once a week. at.the.very.least. So I am going to get right on that again. I promise.

I haven't had much time to think about stuff to write about, so I am basically just going to talk about life...right now anyway.

The apartment is treating me fine. The more days I spend here the more I like it. Samuel actually asked me today why we didn't live in our house anymore. He is still adjusting... I have him every wednesday and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends. This coming up weekend he is with his mom, so I am going to spend this next week redoing his room. The theme is 'outer space' and I can't ever begin to tell you how excited I am. I may just be getting a little carried away. So far I have this great outer space bedding that I found online, an old iron bed that natalie is letting more borrow that I will be painting green or orange or yellow or red (I haven't really decided), these wall stickers that I ordered online, this rocket ship lamp, these circle rugs for the floor to look like planets, these two cartoon looking rocket ship/space ship paintings, this big moon night light, this big star night light, those glow in the dark stars/planets that you put on the ceiling, a blow up rocket, a blow up alien and I still need a night stand to put his lamp on. Yeah..I may be getting carried away, but it is a kids room. Actualy...my son's room. So these things are important! I will take pictures and share once I am finished. Lots to do this weekend.

My new job is going great! There is a lot to learn, but I am getting the hang of it. I do training and development and this company has never had a training group support them, so everything is a big mess. But I like a good challege, so I am excited.

Those are the two big items on the list right now. I know it isn't exciting to read about, but I will have better stuff soon.

promise.

On the Up and Up

2009-05-05T22:07:00.002-05:00

I was talking to erin the other day...actually chatting I believe on gchat and she said "can you believe how much your life has changed in the past week?" and I thought to myself..OMG NO I CAN'T! It is crazy.

From Friday April 24th - Friday May 1st the following things happened:

- I interviewed for a job.
- I got a job. yay!
- I sold my house.
- I found an apartment.
- I scheduled a move.

You see...for MONTHS my life has sort of been...what's the word?.... sort of just there. I have been living in the house that my ex-wife and I built several years ago. Half empty. Knowing that I was going to move, so I haven't bothered to buy anything new or change it in anyway. I haven't been working because I was laid off. It wasn't all horrible...it just seemed like my life was at a stand still.

but within a WEEK things started falling into place. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about my new place. It is sort of old...but it has a little character. And my JOB! is great. It really is. So things are going well. Really well.

- Great friends
- New job
- New apartment
- A boy that gives me butterflies everytime I think of him

I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Dealing with Depression...the beginning

2009-04-28T12:50:00.006-05:00

I HATE being sick. I mean...don't get me wrong. I know most people hate being sick, but I am way beyond that. I whine, complain, gripe..just ask anyone. I am not a good patient at all. If I am sick I want to be cured immediatly...and if I am throwing up, 9 times out of 10 I will probably call 911. You think I am joking, but I wouldn't joke about things like this. My friend, dr. joe, is probably regretting the fact that he became my friend because of this very reason.

My junior year in college I got really sick, but it wasn't an ill contagious sick like the flu or strep like you would think. It was brought on by anxiety and nervousness. You see...when I get nervous and/or anxious it goes directly to my stomach and really all I want to do is lay there and be alone. That has happened to me a lot through the years because of the past struggle. It started happening in late middle school and went on through my late 20's. I always knew why I delt with depression, but I would never let anyone else in on the secret.

I have delt with depression and anxiety since I talked to my family about the possiblities of me being gay back in the 8th grade. I started taking antidepressants my junior year in college and by the time I came out to my ex-wife I was taking three. It was crazy and sad all at the same time.

During that week in college I couldn't eat or keep anything down for a week. I struggled a lot during that time. I went and spoke with a pastor, but never followed through to meet with him again. I spoke with the school counselor, but I never followed through to meet with her again either. That week was the only time in college that I almost came out to a friend of mine. I was sitting with Tara outside of Scarboraugh on the steps and she was talking to me about how she also delt with depression. I was so close to telling her my struggle, but I didn't.

After not eating or going to class for a week I called my dad to come pick me up. I told him that if he didn't come and bring me to the doctor then I was going to take a bus home. Three and a half hours later he was there.

I was brought to my family doctor the next day and that is when I got on my first antidepressent. It helped a little, but not to the degree it needed to because I still was holding everything inside.

It was good to be home..in a different place where I felt comfortable. Around family and friends that have been by my side for years.

Deedra scheduled that week to be 'outdoor fun day'. That is exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things and to just be outdoors. She planned a picnic with friends and even golfing at a driving range. Like I mentioned before...this is probably the first time she will hear of how much she helped me. That week in particular... She knew I needed support and she was there to support me even when she didn't know all of the details.

By the end of that week I was feeling much better. Wasn't so anxious about things or...maybe I hid it a little better underneath the internal rug. ;)

Thoughts on being a gay dad

2009-04-22T18:44:00.004-05:00

I picked my son up today and headed over to the park close by his school. I bought him a kite for Easter and this is really the first time we are getting to fly it. Needless to say he wasn't that interested...

"daddy, i'm bored..."

So I put the kite up and we start walking around the creek that runs through the park. As we cross back and fourth walking over the sleepery rocks samuel is tightly holding my hand not wanting to fall. Usually I am pretty careful about these things, but not so much today.

Samuel slipped...and I slipped right in after him. He was neck deep in the gross green muck and I was kneeling in the same mess. I was grossed out..he was grossed out. It wasn't pretty.

I have mentioned before that I am pretty much black or white when it comes to my opinion of things (hence the name of my blog). But there are a few things that leave me thinking...and thinking...and thinking some more.

For example...

The death penalty - no clue where I stand
Stem cell research - again...no clue
At what point and how do I tell my son that his daddy is gay - I haven't gotten the slightest idea.

I try really hard to be a good dad.

I was talking to a good friend the other day and he asked me what I thought about being a dad. I told him that it was really hard to explain. I told him that I never thought I could love samuel as much as I do. Just being able to raise him...and him look up to me the way he does is unexplainable.

My biggest fear about being a gay dad is that when samuel does find out he will look at me different.

Each night (the nights I have samuel) we pray together, I lay him in bed kiss him good night and remind him every.single.time. that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me love him less. nothing.

My heavenly father has taught me to lead with love...sounds like a good place to start.

Just incase you were interested

2009-04-21T16:04:00.002-05:00

I am copying my good friend Ryan and transfering these over to my blog as well. Fyi, I did update a few of them. In case you wanted to learn a little bit more about me...here you go...

1. I am the middle child and I am everything like a middle child.

2. I dream about driving a Jeep Wrangler. One of my best friends, deedra, drives a black one and it makes me jealous. But don't tell her that...she may start to rub it in. ; )

3. I absolutely love being a dad. My son's name is samuel and he is four.

4. I am a cancer survivor. After surgery and radiation I am almost 4 years cancer free.

5. I have two dogs. A toy fox terrier and a Brussels Griffon. Their names are roxie and gertie. They are always for sale incase you are interested.

6. Even though I wear glasses I hate doing it. But I hate wearing contacts even more....so here I am.

7. I have no tattos or piercings, but not because I do not want them.

8. I have never broken a bone, but my foot did get chipped by a random jet ski accident. Had to call my date from the hospital to see if she could drive to prom.

9. I absolutely love the beach and will chose it over snow skiing anyday.

10. I hate cold weather. I would be just fine if I went my entire life with weather over 70 degrees.

11. When I get nervous I do two things. I have to go to the bathroom A LOT and I bite my lower lip.

12. I have a BA in Communications from East Texas Baptist University.

13. I hate it when people overstate the obvious.

14. I celebrate my birthday for two weeks. The week before and the week after.

15. I love rollercoasters, but I can't ride on anything that spins like a merry-go-round. I will throw up.

16. I love Everclear. The band..not the beverage.

17. I do not get my haircut as much as I should.

18. I love to read a good book.

19. I am a horrible driver and I am the first to admit it. Just ask my friends.

20. I can't sing and I do not assume that I can.

21. I have six brothers and sisters. 1 real brother, 1 half sister, 1 half brother, 2 step brothers and 1 step sister. I love them all very much.

22. I wish I worked out more but I just do not have the discipline.

23. I love television. And my favorite shows of all time are The West Wing, Friends, E.R., Arrested Development, and Lost.

24. I love movies just as much as television...or maybe a little more. Favorite movies are Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society and A Few Good Men.

25. I am really really thinking about auditioning for a play again...it could be fun.

"Pretty Remarkable"

2009-04-18T21:50:00.003-05:00

I really don't even know where to begin with this blog entry. I am at a loss for words. And if you know me well enough..you know that doesn't happen often. Or ever really.

but today I am. Since tuesday I have gotten the nicest most encouraging emails from dear friends of mine that I haven't spoken to in years.

If you all do not mind, I would like to share a bit with you...a few excerpts from some of the emails. Like I mentioned before, I am a saver and this is the perfect place to save...

Throughout life I have gotten close to a lot of people. Of no fault of our own, for some reason we go our seperate ways...someone moves and you gradually lose touch. This was from an email of one of my closest friends in college. For a time we were inseperable... When I think back of the memories I had in college he is always included. I have always been thankful for his friendship and thankful for this email...

"well, i just want to be one of your friends from the past that says, you being gay doesn't change your essense, nor my opinion of it. and it sure as hell doesn't change the Father's opinion of your essense."

This impacted me so much when I read it. Because nothing makes me more happy than to know that being Gay and Loving Jesus are not mutually exclusive any longer. For such a long time that was the case for me. But my friend did sum it up when he said that "it sure as hell doesn't change the Father's opinion of your essense".

High School was really fun for me. I was in band and had a lot of really good friends in band. Some I wished I would have opened up to a long long time ago. Out of the group of friends I hung out with, many turned out to be gay. It meant a lot when one of those friends sent me this...

"So...I've been reading your blog. Thanks for sharing such a personal topic with everyone in such raw form."

I decided a long time ago that I was going to be open and honest with people from here on out. This is me...this is who I am.

In college I was involved in a lot of speech and theatre activities. One of the plays I was cast in was Stonewall Jackson's House. This play was controversial in the small southern baptist school that I attended because it dealt with a lot of issues (i.e. racism, etc). There were four of us that were cast for this play and it is amazing how close you become to the other cast members. My 'wife' in the play sent this...

"I read your blog, and I felt like at least, in some corner of the world, someone quit running and stood and were themselves. For that I am proud of you."

I can't even begin to describe to you how good it felt when I decided to stop running and just be myself. There was such a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

There is someone who has come back into my life recently that I am so thankful for. She is one of those friends that are in it for the long haul. Not sure why we fell out of touch, but over the past 6 months or so our friendship is getting back to the point it was in middle school and high school. She sent me this last night...

"i think its witty and sweet and i want to be one of the friends that you can rely on for support and love..... just know that i DO love you... having you back in my life has meant a lot to me!"

I will get into this a lot more later, but before I came out...that was my biggest fear. That all of my friends and family would abandon me and leave me stranded to pick up the pieces. It means so much to know that I can rely on so many people for their support and love.

Like I mentioned before...my friends are my family. I have always placed them in that capacity. Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It means so much.

Coming Out: Take 1

2009-04-17T10:56:00.003-05:00

I have been going over and over again in my head about where to start with my story of coming out. This hasn't been easy. My guess is that my blog will start out being more general and as I blog more I will dive into specifics here and there.

So...when a friend is trying to tell me a story and they start off by saying "where do I begin?", my initial response is "At the beginning...".

So here goes.

I realized something was different right around the beginning of my 8th grade year in middle school. That year was hard...and scary.

I was confused back then...14 and the only thing anyone ever told me about being gay was how wrong it was and how God didn't like it...not even a little bit. I delt with this feeling for a couple of months while I was trying to figure it all out. Until I sat my mom down at the kitchen table and told her what was going on in my head.

To give you the short version of the steps that proceeded the next couple of weeks:
- My mom prayed.
- My mom called my grandmother.
- My grandmother prayed.
- I was taken to a counselor who told me that being gay was ok.
- I freaked out...told my mom that everything was okay.
- Nothing was ever said again about it.

Nothing at all was said about it again. Ever. My guess is that my mom/family just wanted it all to go away. And I pretended it did...until of course I came out several years later. I don't mention this all that much...and would be surprised if some of my closest friends even know about this.

One important thing did happen that summer after my 8th grade year that has impacted me to this day. One of my best friends, Deedra, invited me to church with her and to church camp that summer. That is the summer I got to know Jesus on a more personal level and I will always be thankful for that.

You will hear about Deedra a lot on this blog. I hope she doesn't mind... Because I have stories to tell about how she has supported me that she doesn't even know about.

It is amazing how far I have come in the past 17 years. Comparing myself to the person I am today and the person I was back then. I smile a lot more. Laugh a lot more. Amazing.

One layer at a time...right?

2009-04-15T14:29:00.003-05:00

I read a lot...well...I used to read a lot. Not so much in the past few weeks since I have been laid off from work. (I realize that makes no sense because I have all the time in the world, but bare with me folks...my routine is in shambles. Just ask the gym when was the last time I graced them with my presense...it's not pretty. ha)

Anyway -

I was sharing with some friends one day about how I felt when I came out 'officially' to my now ex-wife, family and friends (those will be blog entries soon...promise). That was really the first step I took in regards to finally deciding to embrace what God made me to be. Everytime I take a step into the direction of being happy with who I am that is like another layer getting peeled right off.

The best way I can describe it is a quote from one of the Chronicles of Narnia books. There is a section in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Eustace...a selfish, deceptive boy is turned into a dragon. Then Aslan, the Christ figure comes to save him... It reads like this....

"…I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast off their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the Lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I were a banana. So I started to go down into the well for my bath. But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well….

…the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? So I scratched away for the third time… but as soon
as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

Then the Lion said… 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty desperate now. So I just lay flat on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.

Then he caught hold of me—I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on—and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but
only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that… I'd turned into a boy again. After a bit the Lion took me out and dressed me."

That quote gets me everytime. Hard for me to express into words. But I wanted
to share this with you.

Friends

2009-04-14T16:12:00.004-05:00

My friends mean so much to me. I mean...my really close friends that would do anything for me. You know who you all are and I am so thankful. I put them on the same level as family...I have always been that way really. They are the ones who have gotten me through the hard times and are always there when times are good.

I get sad on occasion. It happens. I guess with how I was raised and how my life is changing it is a natural part of the process as I am working on figuring things out. But my friends are always a quick visit, gchat, text, email or phone call away.

I am a saver. Whether that be texts, emails, letters. I save things that impact me in any way. I was chatting with jamie several months back and out of no where this conversation started...

jamie: I love you Danael
me: aww. thank you jamie. I love you too. what was that for?
jamie: just 'cause.
jamie: because I know your heart
and I know you love Jesus, and I know you struggle inside
and I know it's going to be OK, because God knows your heart too

and I'm glad we can have a healthy debate about what we believe in and still be bff
or maybe it's just the wine talking.

I read this from time to time. It is very encouraging to me, because I know everything is going to be ok. With all of my heart I know that.

Thank you Erin, Jess, Jamie, Jim, Greg, and Deedra for being there when things were at an all time low. And thank you a head of time for knowing you will always be there...good and bad.

Thank you for always making me smile.

New Direction....it is time.

2009-04-14T13:32:00.003-05:00

Like the title says, I am going into a new direction with this blog. You see...in the past I would blog a little...stop blogging...get hounded by friends to blog...then blog a little more. Then I confessed that I didn't blog because I was scared people would read it and think something, so I limited people's contact.

Not anymore.

The problem wasn't that I didn't want to blog. The problem was that I was afraid to blog...or better yet...afraid to blog about things because of what people didn't know about me.

Well..it is time. What ever it looks like I am putting it here for the world to read. It is who I am and I am how God made me. The Good the Bad and the Ugly.

You will read about my life here and how I am growing to love God and be a gay man at the same time. You will read about struggles. You will read about questions. I will share stories about my past, my family, issues and my faith.

Thank you for reading. I hope you will stick around.

It really is your lucky day

2008-11-21T22:02:00.003-06:00

You guys get a twofer!

My birthday this year was a lot of fun. It fell on a monday and monday birthdays are never that exciting. So the weekend before I went to go visit my friend rusty in OKC. I have been up there a couple of times and I like it okay...the city that is. I always enjoy hanging out with rusty and his roommate.

So to celebrate in dallas we waited until the weekend after and Erin, Nathan, Jess and I all went to cyclones for dinner. Erin bought me this HUGE margarita that will get you drunk off two sips. You think I am kidding or even being dramatic, but I am not. Promise. After dinner we went to Jrs for a few drinks and we got a killer deal on the drinks because of said bartendar in previous post =). Nathan jetted and then Erin, Jess and I proceeded to S4. Jamie..you are totalling going with us when you are in town. It was SO MUCH FUN. But I always have fun with Erin and Jess!

Starting to meet some new friends around town. I have a lot of aquaintances in the gay world, but not many people I would truly call friends. So I had coffee with a guy named keven last night. We talked for two hours straight. So much fun.

You are trying to be kidding me!

2008-11-21T21:54:00.002-06:00

I know I suck at this. By 'this'..I mean the blog thing. I am just not good at it like Jamie or Erin or how Jess used to be. But you get my point...right?

so a little update. I have been laid off and I am currently unemployed. It sucks and this has never happened to me before so it really sucks. I am getting sort of paranoid. Maybe nervous is a better word to use. I'm just saying.

please forgive my randomness.. I am sort of having a brain dump here to catch you guys up on my life the past couple of months.

I have been on several dates. One with a bartender, several with the history teacher, one with the retail store owner and one tbd with mr. america (or that is what erin and I dubbed him anyway). It is a lot more fun to have names for them... easier for my friends to keep track. =)

so there you have it... oh..and brooke introduced me to the guy she is sort of kind of talking to at samuel's basketball game thursday night. that was weird.

sooo I am updating!

2008-09-17T13:15:00.003-05:00

YIKES. people are getting fiesty about me updating. and by people.. I mean erin. = )

My week has been crazy. I am hosting one of my friends from way back because she had to evacuate her home due to Ike. We are having a lot of fun and I am glad she is here. She needs to move up to become my roommie! I don't think it will happen...but who knows. One can hope.

I started my part time job yesterday. And don't ask me why I have a part time job. It was the grand opening so hopefully every night I work won't be as crazy. I don't think I can handle much more of that after working full time all day. The funny thing...is that I work with a lot of young people making 8 bucks an hour. They probably don't know a) how old I actually am and b) that I actually have a real job. Just saying...

So this weekend is packed full of events!

Friday - watching samuel.
Saturday - Entertaining samuel...if michael and brandy are still in their hotel I will probably try to take him swimming. We will see.
Saturday Night - Going out with Erin and we will become rockstars! Dinner (somewhere not so expensive because I had to give my right leg in order to go to the dentist on monday)...a house party...and then dancing. A cd release party was mentioned, but I am not sure we will have time to fit it into our agenda. This is a busy night folks! I am not playing here...
Sunday- Brunch at another house party and then the parade. Sunday night I will go home to recoop and finish watching the Tudors.

So here is the deal...

2008-08-28T16:52:00.003-05:00

I have added by-invitation-only so I would feel more comfortable writing about things...

I have already invited some of you. By some...I mean the people who I 'think' read my blog.

I am going to keep it open throughout the weekend...if you read this blog and would like to continue reading please send your email to danaelbroussard@gmail.com so I can add you to the list.

Because come Monday! Invitation only to my personal world of blogging. = )

By invitation only

2008-08-28T16:18:00.002-05:00

so... I was talking to my friend Erin today over lunch about my blog.

well...we were actually just talking and I was saying something funny and she said, "you see danael...this is exactly the stuff you need to be blogging."

So...I am going to investigate 'invitation only' for my blogging visitors. If you would like to read no big deal...just shoot me an email and I will add you to the list (if I want you to read it of course).

more to come.

Weekend

2008-08-25T09:52:00.005-05:00

Apparently I am not very good at this. By 'this' I mean blogging. I have several reasons.

1) I forget
2) I am afraid of who is reading
3) well...the first two are reason enough I guess.

I think I have solved reason #1. Goal setting... Jamie and I decided to post no later than EOD today. So here I am....a couple of hours into work...posting. I know I will have to converse with her on another date for the next blog entry. = )

Reason #2...I just need to get over this. I will...eventually. Everything gets better with time.

BUT..today folks...TODAY. I am talking about my weekend. So sit down..relax...and dont get to annoyed by my ramblings.

Friday

-I picked samuel up from school.
-We hung out at the house.
-Nothing to exciting.

Saturday

-Brought samuel to the Museum of Nature and Science
-Ate at McDonald's
-Watched Fly Me to the Moon complete with 3D glasses and all
-Took a nap
-Rec'd a phone call regarding his date that evening and how it was canceled. = (
-Hung out with Ryan that evening...and watched Elizabeth: The Golden Years

Sunday

-Went to church with Mark and Brian
-Saw Zanna Don't
-Met Terry for a Drink

Overall...it was a pretty busy weekend.

More to come...promise. Sorry for the lack of details.

the real reason....

2008-06-30T22:17:00.005-05:00

As most of you know..you have wanted me to blog for awhile. Blogging has always been hard for me because I feel like I have to hunt for things to blog about because I was always afraid to blog about every day life... I never could do that before. the true every day life.

so what I am really trying to decide is when to start going in that direction. Should I start now? should I start when my old life is over and my new life begins.

That is where I am... just so you know. I have so much to tell you guys (those of you who read this anyway).

Busy. Another word for Asshole

2008-06-20T09:35:00.004-05:00

So. I have added the word 'busy' to my dislike list. I hate the word and I am going to do my best to refrain from using it.

But seriously...don't get me wrong. I do understand that we can be busy from time to time. What I am referring to is when people use this as an excuse on why they can't call you back, or why they can't hang out, or why they didn't email you back.

"I've been busy". Well..we are all busy.

This is what I request from all of you. That if we are talking and I can't think of a better excuse to why I didn't call/text/email/hangout that you call me out on it.

I will leave you with options that Jess and I were discussing.

- Unfortunately I wasn't able to manage my time accurately to call/email/text you back.
- I didn't feel like calling you back until now.
- I was really just avoiding your phone call/email/text.

because I need to...

2008-06-16T14:52:00.002-05:00

I am being harrassed by a certain someone (cough, cough...coughjamie)to write in my blog more often...

so here is my commitment. To do this atleast every other day. That is my goal anyway...I hope I will succeed.

It isn't like I don't have anything to talk about, because I do. Plenty. PLENTY. plenty. you get my point...right?

so...with that being said...I had a good weekend. Met some great people. More on that later...

He really is THAT funny.

2008-03-12T10:48:00.002-05:00

I am talking about Samuel. He cracks me the freak up and I am going to start compiling his quotes, conversations, and any other amusing facts about the little man.

I am convinced he will make you laugh and smile which is much needed these days...so please stay tuned.

Some past conversations:

Hello Pancake
Me: (Standing in the kitchen watching samuel eat breakfast)
Samuel: Hello?! (while holding his pancake to his ear)

Bugs...or the lack of
Samuel: Mommy, why do you kill bugs?
Mommy: Because they bite.

Can you guess who?

2008-02-27T11:42:00.002-06:00

I met her on top of a waterslide
She once came into my garage apartment with boom box on shoulder dancing to Everclear.
We both hated BSM probably more than anyone.
One time we danced like crazy to Michael Jackson's ABC.
We are so alike that it is almost spooky.
She is real
She transparent
She IS Penny Lane!

I am very thankful to have you as my friend.

Love you!

To be Two again...

2008-02-21T08:58:00.003-06:00

Brooke made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies yesterday after dinner. This is how the conversation went.

(Brooke walks over to the table and gives Samuel a cookie)

Samuel: mmmm.....Are these berries? (pointing to the choc. chips)
Brooke: No Samuel, they are choc. chips.
Samuel: (looking a little grossed out)
Brooke: (Anxiously awaiting Samuel to take a bite)
Samuel: mmmm....I think they are poo poo

(Samuel then eats the entire cookie minus the poo poo chips)

Another Trip

2008-02-20T08:51:00.005-06:00

Made a trip to hell last night. Here is the conversation I overheard while standing in the checkout line:

Random wife: Did you get the Gold Bond?

Random Husband: No, I never went to the pharmacy section

Random wife: Did you want me to grab some?

Random Husband: No, I haven't been itching...

Random wife: That is good

Random Husband: But now that I have mentioned it...I am starting to itch.

Reason # 124 of why we hate Wal-mart.

Zero Grey

2008-02-13T08:56:00.002-06:00

Everyone has always told me my personality tends to lean either black or white. No grey what-so-ever. I tend to agree about 98% of the time. Either you like something or you don't....Right? Is it possible to "sort-of" like something? and if there is...why bother?

With that being said, I will leave a list of things that I like and do not like. (You can find a complete list in my profile)

Likes:
people. new shoes. my dogs. coke. sweet tea. coffee. the color orange. the color brown. my glasses. meg ryan. keven spacey. movies. running. laughing so hard my stomach hurts. clean sheets. summer. swimming. the sun. my magazine subscriptions. reading. theatre. art. acting. independent films. my church. gumbo. my moms cooking. grey t-shirts. caedmons call. shopping.cooking. massages.stars. nightlife. sweets.

Dislikes:
tomatoes. multitasking.traffic. overstating the obvious. chinese food.mondays. when there is nothing on t.v. painting. keanu reeves. being wet when I am not supposed to be. cops. cafeteria food. strawberry soda. tobasco sauce. driving. having to wear glasses. cold weather. shopping for furniture. wal-mart. my mensa calendar. etbu bsm. arby's. 635. public bathrooms. working out.

75 Things you should know about me.

2008-02-07T10:38:00.001-06:00

I am the middle child
I drive a Tic Tac
I dream about driving a Jeep Wrangler
I love all types of music
I would like to learn how to play the piano
and the guitar
I would like to work for a national magazine
Maybe I should interview one day
Maybe next week
I am 30
I work for FedEx Kinkos
I have been there 6 months
My son’s name is samuel
He is 2
I have 1 dogs
Her name is Gertie
She is always For Sale
Jesus died for my sins
I do not snore
I wear glasses
I do not wear contacts
I live right outside of Dallas
I always wanted to be famous
I love my job
I am a Sr. Project Manager
I have no tattoos or piercings
Not because I do not want any.
It is really hard to march to a different drummer.
I respect those that do.
I have never broken a bone.
My foot did get chipped by a random jet ski accident.
I played the trombone for 7 years
Haven't touched it in 12
When I am nervous I always have to go to the bathroom
I prefer (in order) spring, summer, fall, winter
I have never been snow skiing
It doesn't bother me
I love the beach
I do not do drugs but do enjoy margaritas
I hate smoke
I love working in my yard
I built my first house 4 yrs ago.
I hate it when people overstate the obvious
I went to college in East Texas
East Texas Baptist University
B.A. Communications
I love my church.
I grew up in Groves Tx
I have only driven 3 cars my entire life....so far.
I want to live in south France.
I celebrate my birthday for two weeks. (week before and week after)
I get distracted way to easy.
What was I saying?
I like independent and foreign films
I wear boxers and boxer briefs
I wish I worked out more.
I don't have the discipline
am I lazy?
My favorite T.V. show is Lost
I also like Arrested Development
I love concerts
I like shoes
I do not get my haircut as much as I should
I like to buy new clothes.
I love rollercoasters
I hate anything that spins like a merry-go-round.
I will throw up.
I like Mexican food.
I love email
I love Everclear (the band)
I like the Station 102.1
I enjoy reading
I can't sing
and I do not assume that I can
Loves his Framily